Housekeeping: No newsletter next week, but I hope you all have a safe and fun holiday weekend (if you’re in the US). If you’re not in the US, well, maybe that’s something to celebrate, too!
Hi Sober Lady,
I come from a long line of alcoholics; it’s been something I’ve kept an eye on my whole life, but luckily, I’ve never been attracted to drinking at all. The same can’t be said for my cousin, who recently graduated from high school and is starting college out of state in the fall. She hasn’t dealt with anything like arrests yet, but I’m becoming increasingly concerned. Over the past few months, I got several late-night drunk dials asking to pick her up from weeknight parties, and she definitely showed up noticeably drunk to last Thanksgiving. It generally seems like she has very little self-control around booze. I’m worried about what this will look like for her in college.
Her father has had stints of sobriety, but he remains what I consider to be a high-functioning alcoholic. I’ve seen a lot of people in recovery say something along the lines of an addict won’t quit until they truly want to, but my question is: As someone who got sober pretty young, do you think there’s anything someone could have said to reach you before your drinking truly became a problem? I’m already fighting an uphill battle being in my 30s and wanting to talk to a soon-to-be college kid about drinking, but she’s a pretty thoughtful and analytical girl, so I’m wondering if there’s any way to reach her before this becomes a real problem?
Best,
The “Cool” Relative
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Hi Cool Relative,
Thank you for the question; I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I would love to have a tidy, hopeful answer for you—a neat sentence or two that would allow your cousin to understand that she’s playing with fire and has a decent chance of getting burned. Unfortunately, I don’t. What I can tell you is that my familial history of alcoholism was made abundantly clear to me when I was her age, and it made exactly no difference in how I used or even thought about alcohol.
I don’t say this to discourage your involvement. You can play an important role here; it may just be a little more involved than a one-off conversation. While I can only speak from my own experience as someone whose teenage self sounds a lot like your cousin, it may help to understand why I was so resistant to discussions about my alcohol use and my family’s history.
In my mind, there was a huge distinction between being a young adult who was also, shall we say, an enthusiastic drinker and being a real adult with real adult responsibilities while also being an alcoholic. As a now middle-aged teetotaler, I can draw a straight line from one to the other, but whether it was my budding alcoholism or lack of a fully developed frontal lobe, I was simply not going to acknowledge any relationship between my being a normal teenager who’s just having fun, okay??!! and [parent/relative with addiction] who I’m probably still mad at for having that addiction!!
Again, it’s easy to see the relationship now, but teenage Katie makes a valid point. (It may not outweigh the validity of your points, but valid is valid.) Your cousin is likely not the only kid partying on weeknights during the second semester of their senior year of high school; it’s pretty common for kids her age to start drinking around this time. It is possible that her behavior is simply that of a 17 or 18-year-old who is newish to alcohol use and ecstatically on the brink of what feels like freedom/adulthood. Put another way: There’s probably a kid out there who is doing the same thing right now and won’t end up with alcohol use disorder or any kind of addiction.
[I]t’s extremely hard to sell a teenager on the idea that she should behave differently from all of her friends because her Dad and Grandpa drank too much.
Risk-wise, is that a false equivalency given her family history? Probably. She’s statistically at higher risk than a hypothetical kid without addiction in his family. Showing up to Thanksgiving obviously drunk isn’t a great look and can be a warning sign, but an increased risk isn’t the same thing as a predetermined outcome. More importantly, it’s extremely hard to sell a teenager on the idea that she should behave differently from all of her friends because Dad and Grandpa drank (or still drink) too much.
If her father has had “stints of sobriety,” she’s probably well aware that alcohol can be addictive. If you think she’s truly unaware that addiction runs in families, it’s fine to enlighten her, but I’d do so casually. If she comments on her Dad’s drinking or her own, you can say something like, “You know that runs in families, right? Keep an eye on that when you’re away at school,” or something along those lines. But I think she probably knows—as I did—and just thinks that information is a world away from being applicable to her.
The last reason I wouldn’t bring up her drinking right now, when she’s unlikely to fully appreciate the risk, is so you can leave the door open for that conversation in the future. When I was her age, and throughout college, I had a list of people in my head who had expressed any type of concern about my drinking, which I automatically interpreted as criticism. The people on that list, my young, moronic brain insisted, were not to be trusted. They were people who wanted me to either drink like they did (which was boring as hell, that same brain told me) or not drink at all, which was obviously not an option. Those people were not to be trusted. Those people could never be told the full truth.
The people I did reach out to when I was in crisis, or when I was brave enough to raise the subject of my own alcohol use, were the people who picked up the phone when I called. They were the people who listened to me ramble frantically, asked if I was safe, followed up without disapproval or reproach, and always, always gave me the impression that what mattered most to them was my safety and happiness.
If drinking the way I was drinking made me happy (as I claimed, lying to both myself and others), then their primary concern was my safety. There was no telling me what to do; no warning me about my family history; there was simply the sense that I had a judgment-free port in any storm.
That’s the person I hope you can be for your cousin. The person who loves her unconditionally, who is there for her when things get messy, and who never acts like he knows what she needs better than she does. I hope you can be the person she trusts with the things she’s too scared to tell anyone else.
She’s going to need someone like that in her life—we all do. When I was your cousin’s age, I was incredibly fortunate to have a pair of adults in my life who were in that sweet spot of being at least a decade older than me but not so old that they seemed parental. They were the steady 30-something cousin to my wild, 18-year-old self, and I needed them more than I ever could have known at the time.
They couldn’t and didn’t prevent me from becoming an alcoholic because nothing could. I had to keep going until I crashed; it was the only way I would truly believe that I was addicted to alcohol. I hope that’s not true for your cousin, but it could be.
Knowing I wouldn’t listen if they tried to tell me what my “problem” was, those adult-friends gave me space to be the messiest version of myself without condemnation or sanctimony. They gently suggested that things didn’t have to be the way they were. They spent a lot of time “just checking in.” It helped more than I can say.
The fact that your cousin is already calling you to pick her up from drunken escapades suggests that she sees you as this kind of person. Be there for her. Express concern for her safety and well-being. Tell her that you’re always on her side. Then, if and when the time comes for her to take a hard look at her alcohol use, I’d bet good money that you’re someone she turns to for support.
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I remember my mother talking to me and telling me that our family just can't drink. And I was like, maybe others can't, but I'll figure out how to do it right.
Okay, here's what I wonder. We all struggled with my dad's drinking problem, but when I suggested that we all stop drinking together to show that we don't need drinking my mom said no. She wasn't going to quit having fun because he was an adult and needed to do it on his own. Okay, flash forward to me partying in college and saying all of those things (I'm in college this is what I'm supposed to be doing! etc etc). So I guess my follow up is what if my mom had said yes. What if she had shown me another way or drinking had been removed from the center of every gathering. We are raising my daughter in a completely alcohol free household (there is weed). So maybe if she can see that her parents have lots of great times without it and family events without it it will make a difference?!?! We are realistic to know that telling her we were alcoholics and it runs deep in both sides of our family probably won't have much of an effect. I am hoping the culture is shifting as a whole away from alcohol being so completely required in our lives.