Dear Sober Lady,
My almost-16-year-old nephew, “Joe,” has substance addiction issues. He has been raised mostly by his grandmother and grandfather, but he has now chosen to live with his recovering addict father (his mother is also a recovering addict, but is estranged).
He wants to get clean and says he cannot while going to his current high school and living in the same area. It’s a combination of alcohol and drugs, partially facilitated by dealers who give out “freebies” to get kids hooked. He is on Medi-Cal through Kaiser, and we are all looking for a facility where he can stay for a while, as well as alternative high schools. His father is taking him to meetings every day, has gotten him a sponsor, and is taking him to therapy every week.
My question is: how do we help and make sure things are going “well” without derailing anything? Joe has been raised with love, but probably with too many conflicting (disguised as well-meaning) voices, ranging from feeling sorry for him to being angry with him. Some family members make things worse when trying to help.
His dad has been in rehab 7-8 times, and he has been sober for several years now, but he is also limited in what he understands and how to get help beyond his own needs. For instance, there’s a lot he doesn’t understand about how school systems work. I can’t see Joe living with his dad beyond a few months, but I’m hoping I’m wrong.
Thank you,
Complex Family
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Hi, CF,
Thank you for the question, and I understand how anxiety-inducing the situation must be for everyone involved.
There’s a lot to be hopeful about here:
Joe wants to be sober and has identified some of the potential challenges/triggers that might derail those efforts. I’m not blowing smoke when I say this is the most important ingredient of recovery and many adults never get there. It’s very promising that Joe has done so.
He wants to live with a sober person. Even if it took his dad several tries to get there, it sounds like he’s providing structure around recovery meetings and can identify with Joe’s experience. Having someone who “gets it” is incredibly valuable—especially if you feel like there are a lot of people who don’t get it telling you what to do.
He’s attending recovery meetings and working with a therapist. Both are important; 12-step meetings can be vital to recovery, but for most people, meetings are not an adequate replacement for therapy. This is especially true for teenagers.
Finally, Joe’s has a solid support network. Even if they come with some chaos and unhelpful attributes, having people who love you and are invested in your recovery is always going to be better than the alternative.
It sounds like there have been a lot of well-meaning cooks in the chaotic kitchen of Joe’s upbringing. That’s understandable. Raising a teenager with any combination of substance addiction or estranged parents is challenging for any family; toss in more issues with substance misuse, and those challenges multiply.
Even in the best situations, teenagers often feel like there are too many opinionated adult voices offering unsolicited and contradictory advice about how they should live their lives. If you feel like Joe’s had too many conflicting voices in his life, I’m certain he would agree.
All of which leads me to your main question: How do you help and make sure things are going well without adding to the chaos or derailing Joe’s recovery?
The answer lies in the fine art of the open-ended question. Having a lot of voices in one’s life is most annoying when they’re telling you what to do. Calling him to ask how he’s doing, if he needs anything, or even just to chat is a way of showing up for him without being yet another force that pulls him in one direction or another. The point is to make clear that you’re there for him not as a person with an addiction or troubled kid, but as a loved one.
If you live near his dad, you can do this physically as well. See a movie or take him to dinner. Don’t use these calls or visits to grill him about his substance use or recovery. If he brings it up, you’re happy to talk about it. But having caused plenty of adult consternation in my youth, I know how frustrating it is to feel more like an “issue” than a person. Show him that you can be a port in a storm, not the gale-force winds blowing his little boat in a certain direction.
I’m not suggesting you ignore the addiction part of the equation, only that you not make it the focus of your conversations with Joe. It sounds like his dad could use help figuring out treatment options and alternative schools, and you may be able to provide more concrete assistance. A few resources may be able to help:
The first is findtreatment.gov. You can search by location and filter options by insurance, type of facility or program, etc. I’m a bit biased toward inpatient programs, because that’s what I needed, but I know people who have been through Kaiser’s outpatient chemical dependency program and speak very highly of it, if that’s an option. On the left side of that webpage, you’ll see where you can filter the results by Medicaid.
As far as schools go, you might check out the National Center for Education Statistics database, which is the U.S. Department of Education’s school locator. It lets you retrieve information on all public schools in the country. You can filter by state, county, and school type to pull up alternative schools by location. It’s a bit clunky, but comprehensive and free. There’s also Niche.com; it has a better user interface but may be less complete (at least for public schools) than NCES.
By helping Joe’s dad with some of the areas he’s less equipped to handle, you’re not only alleviating that burden for them, but you’re directing your energy (and concern) toward specific, achievable tasks. When there’s a complicated issue with several moving parts, it’s easy to feel either hopelessly overwhelmed or try to tackle them all at once. Neither is terribly effective, and both are exhausting.
If you find there is more than one logistically feasible option, you or his dad can present them to Joe and ask him what he thinks. Giving him a sense of agency over these decisions may also make him more invested in the work they’ll undoubtedly entail.
Think of yourself as half researcher, half safety net. You can come up with treatment and school options and pass them along, but hopefully those decisions will ultimately be up to Joe. The safety net part is achieved by staying present in his life. Unless he brings it up or the situation explicitly calls for it, treat him like you would any other almost-16-year-old loved one. Offer him a space to feel like an asset rather than a liability—where he can simply be your great-nephew and not your great-nephew with a substance use disorder.
Will he know on some level that your many calls and invitations stem from concern about his substance use? Sure. But with so many (well-meaning) people focusing exclusively on his “problem,” he might need a space where he feels like someone still sees the person he was before substances took over.
Good luck!
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Love that you suggested giving the kid breathing room. His family sounds suffocating, albeit well-meaning. Lots of places, usually larger cities, have meetings for young people. Joe could find his people in those. They would show him by example that he can get clean and also have fun. Young people especially need to know that a sober life isn’t boring.
Such sound advice! 👏👏👏