Party tips for sober people, introverts, and misanthropes

How to stay sane and sober through alcohol-fueled winter holiday celebrations.

Roberto Nickson via Unsplash

Note: No newsletter next week, but I’ll be back on January 1st. Readers, I am so grateful for you, and I hope you have a very happy holiday/winter break/New Year. Please feel free to be in touch anytime at askasoberlady@gmail.com

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‘Tis the season for holiday festivities and assorted (often) alcohol-fueled winter celebrations. You might think that after 16 alcohol-free holiday seasons, I would glide through this time of the year as effortlessly as an Olympic figure skater across an ice rink. You would be wrong. I am more like the person who straps on skates once or twice a year; I can make it across without falling, but not in a way anyone would describe as graceful.

I know some sober people flitter effortlessly from one boozy gathering to another like a serene social butterfly, but I am not one of them. One of the many helpful things about sobriety is how it allows you to figure out who you are when your brain isn’t primarily focused on alcohol. When I quit drinking, I discovered I was more introverted than I’d realized. As such, attending multiple, successive parties is not my idea of a good time. I’d much rather see people one-on-one or in small groups, which isn’t always possible around the holidays.

Because drinking—and drinking excessively—is even more normalized during the holidays than other times of the year, there can be a lot of triggers around. Maybe these are memories of your own past holiday debacles, maybe you’re thrust into situations with heavy-drinking family members, or maybe it’s unpleasant bumping into people from your past at a relative’s “open house” potluck. Countless factors can throw a wrench in your painstakingly crafted day-to-day sobriety routine.

So whether you’re trying to stay sober, make it through holiday parties as an introvert, find that large gatherings turn you into a misanthrope, or all of the above, here are a few party tips I’ve used to make it through the season (mostly) sane and definitely sober.

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1. Timing is everything: You A) probably don’t have to arrive on time and B) definitely don’t have to stay to the end.

Some people in recovery prefer the arrive early, leave early approach, which is totally reasonable. There are fewer people at the beginning of an event, and much of the drinking (if there is any) hasn’t happened yet. That’s one good option.

I recently went to my partner’s work holiday party and asked how he’d feel about arriving a little late and leaving a little early. I knew he wanted me to meet everyone he worked with; this way, I could meet the colleagues who arrived late and avoid the very end of the evening, when the open bar starts catching up with people.

If you think this might offend your host, you can mention it to them first, if you want to. You don’t have to say it’s because you’re not drinking or an introvert; if you want to avoid disclosing that, feel free to come up with a big ol’ lie. Say you have another obligation, a sick pet, a nightmare work week, and are exhausted, but you still want to make sure to stop by, etc. Your sanity and sobriety are more important than how a party host feels about one guest politely leaving early.

There are rare cases where you walk into an event and pretty quickly realize, for whatever reason, that you don’t feel safe. In these cases, it’s not about mild discomfort or powering through small talk hell, but about an overwhelming gut instinct telling you to leave now. If you’re sure it’s not momentary panic but indeed a persistent gut feeling of wrongness or even danger—leave. You can always blame a bad oyster or gas station sushi if you need to, but you should always feel empowered to leave situations that feel unsafe—whatever that means to you.

2. Bring a buddy

If you’re allowed to bring a plus one to your holiday event, bring a sober friend (or at least a friend who understands and supports your sobriety and upon whom you can rely to lessen your anxiety instead of heightening it).

My partner is more sociable than I am, which makes him a fantastic buffer between me and others.

If you can’t bring a buddy, step outside when you need to and call a supportive friend, your sponsor, a sibling—anyone who understands why you might feel the need to call them in the middle of a party.

3. Hit the breaks

Personally, I think the biggest mistake people make when trying to force their way through triggering or overwhelming events is not permitting themselves to take breaks (yes, even in the middle of parties).

Perhaps befitting my status as a giant nerd, my breaks live and die by what I call PBB: Pets, Books(helves), and Babies:

• Pets: As readers of this newsletter, you know that I am an animal lover. Put me in the presence of a pet or small animal, and my shoulders relax, my blood pressure normalizes, and a burst of oxytocin tickles my brain.

If you respond similarly to the pawed and feathered among us, and the host of the party has a free-roaming cat or dog (or, more likely, one stuck in some nook in the kitchen in hopes they won’t bother party guests, ask the host if you can say hi. Maybe the cat’s an asshole, and it’s better for everyone if the host says no, but if you can disappear every so often to pet a friendly, currently attention-starved dog or cat, I swear it’s like nature’s Valium.

[That said, always be aware of your surroundings. At one party, I found myself in a fancy bathroom, kneeling under a large bathroom counter to pet the hosts’ dog. When I emerged, I realized that people were doing cocaine off the same counter I’d just been underneath. The dog and I took our talents elsewhere.]

• Books(helves): I cannot count the number of times someone has caught me staring at a bookshelf in an empty room at a party. Sometimes I’m not even trying to take a break; I’m just a book lover with ADHD. But other times, it’s a way to have a few moments (or longer, if we’re being honest) away from the fray while having a plausible reason to be standing alone in a room. (I realize a lot of these involve lying a little. Yes, honesty is always a good policy, but you don’t owe a virtual stranger or even a pompous extended family member an explanation of why you needed a minute or two of alone time.)

• Babies: Truthfully, when I say “babies” here, I mean kids because I have no idea what to do with an infant other than anxiously hand it back to its parent when it needs a diaper change.

Obviously, interaction with kids is highly context-dependent. If you’ve never met the party host’s kids before, an adult stranger walking up to them and trying to hang out is going to come off as weird at best and frightening at worst. But I’ve often sought out my young cousins or nieces when the adults start getting red in the face and repeating stories.

Kids, especially around the holidays, are fun and easy to talk to and—one hopes—not drunk or high. Easy topics of conversation include their hopes for Christmas gifts, plans for winter break, their favorite class in school, and their favorite TV show or musical artist (you can’t go wrong with favorites in general). The answers can be delightful and hilarious, and an emotional reprieve.

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4. BYO(NA)B

Bring your own non-alcoholic beverages, even if the host says they’ll have plenty. Non-alcoholic means different things to people who drink. I’ve been to countless parties where the non alcoholic options were limited to club soda and Diet Coke. Which is fine if that’s all you feel like drinking, but I always feel less awkward showing up to a party with food or beverages to share. Why not make that offering my favorite non-alcoholic wine or beer, fancy sparkling apple juice, or those fizzy Italian sodas? That way, I know I’m set for drinks, and I’m hopefully providing additional options for other non-drinkers.

5. Show up armed with conversation topics

If—like me—you dread small talk, it’s worth coming up with some conversation topics in advance. I tend to dive headfirst into controversial topics—which I wouldn’t recommend—but safer territory includes books, movies, and TV, pets (yeah, I’m a one-trick pony), food, sports, or whatever you find interesting but not terribly polarizing.

If you can’t think of any good conversation topics or run out of ideas, ask people questions about themselves. Most people are delighted to talk about their work, hobbies, kids, or projects. Sometimes, the people you least expect have the most entertaining and unexpected stories.

6. Be a helper

If you find yourself standing awkwardly alone, find the host and offer to help with whatever they might need—bringing out food, cleaning up, helping people find their coats, whatever.

Important caveat, especially for the newly sober: Avoid being alone in a room with alcohol. I’m almost 18 years sober, and I still try to avoid being alone in a room with liquor. A high stress or overwhelming situation is not the time to test your resolve. Sure, it might be fine, and you might not think about that bottle of booze at all. But is now really when you want to find out?

7. Find your people

You are not the only sober person or introvert in the world. You may not even be the only sober introvert in the room. Take a look around. Does anyone look as awkward as you feel? Sometimes, the best person to strike up a conversation with is the person lingering on the outskirts of the action. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people at parties about mutual feelings of being outsiders. But even if the conversation doesn’t venture into awkwardness, ask the person how they’re doing, how they know the host, and if they like the food.

8. You don’t have to go

As much as I’m reluctant to do anything that requires putting on real pants and leaving the house, I know it’s good for me to do so, especially around the holidays. It gives me a chance to catch up with people I love and don’t get to see as much as I’d like. But I’m also long past the days when my friends throw parties for the explicit purpose of debauchery. If the focus of the event is getting wasted, skip it. And then go ahead and feel smug in the morning when you wake up with bright eyes and a clear head, while your pals cling to the toilet bowl and promise themselves to go easier next time. If the point of the event is to do something you can’t or don’t want to do, just don’t go, which is why you’ll never catch me at a Super Bowl party.

Readers, please feel free to share your party survival tips in the comments!

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.