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Hi SL,
My older sister is coming back from a three-month stay at rehab in two weeks (so like, right before Thanksgiving). My parents are obsessed with making sure she has a “smooth transition,” which to them seems to mean that no one talks about any of the fucked-up things she did to land herself in jail and then rehab. And while I kind of understand their thinking (I also don’t want her to relapse or have a guilt breakdown), they seem to think we should forget everything she did in the past and just move forward as though she’s a new person.
The biggest problem with this (aside from the fact that it seems kind of unrealistic and delusional) is that I know a lot of things they don’t know about what she did. This includes stealing from me (and them, but I think they know that and are just ignoring it), asking me to lie to the cops for her (which I did, reluctantly), knocking off the sideview mirror of my car while driving drunk in my car after her license was suspended (she convinced our parents someone sideswiped it while it was parked). The list goes on and involves way more personal stuff that affected my relationship with my friends and our parents.
I don’t want to be mean to her and I do want her to stay sober, but I’m also not willing to act like none of this ever happened. I only went to one family session at rehab, and they basically just told everyone to go to Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous, something my parents have said they absolutely do not need and will not do.
I don’t want to go to either of those groups either, but I’m not the one planning on pretending that everything is fine, and that we can just walk on eggshells around her for the rest of our lives.
I don’t live with my parents; I’m in college nearby, but with Thanksgiving and Winter break around the corner, I’ll be home a lot. Plus, my parents have heavily insinuated that part of the “smooth transition” includes having me around for “family time.” How do I balance all this without exploding in anger, because, frankly, I’m furious with all three of them.
~Only Sane Person in the Family
Hi OSP,
Thank you for the question; I empathize with what you’re going through. I was a senior in high school when someone in my family went to inpatient treatment. Upon their return, I cycled through feelings of anger, compassion, betrayal, guilt, hope, anxiety, and confusion about once every hour.
All of this to say, what you’re feeling is exceedingly normal. Putting aside the stuff about your parents and the specific incidents that left you so angry, what your email is basically saying is I love my sister and want her to be healthy, but I’m still deeply hurt and angry about how she behaved while addicted, and I want her to acknowledge that.
Wanting the best for your sister and being angry at her are not mutually exclusive. It sounds like you know that, but sometimes it can be hard to remember how reasonable it is when the rest of your family takes a different approach. Before we delve into how to address it, I want you to know that your feelings are not unreasonable.
So, what should you do about it?
Between “pretending nothing happened” and welcoming your sister home with a detailed list of crappy things she did while addicted is a middle ground where honesty and compassion can coexist.
The key to navigating this space is doing your best to be honest while also picking your battles and keeping your eye on the big picture.
Part of your sister’s recovery is acknowledging the harmful things she did when she was drinking/using. Part of your healing is knowing which harms need to be addressed and which ones you can let go of.
When I was drinking, I behaved like a cross between a bull in a china shop and a toddler who just guzzled 70 Pixie Sticks: The highs were high, the lows were low, and a lot of things got broken.
More than any physical object, what I broke the most was trust. Because, unlike a bull or a toddler, I should have known better. I was a human adult. I knew right from wrong. I knew what was ethical and what was unethical.
At the same time, my brain and body were screaming that none of those lines mattered. All bets were off. This was war: On one side was me and my addiction, and on the other side was everyone and everything else. These were the Hunger Games, and I did what I had to do to survive.
In rehab, without the haze of alcohol, I slowly started to understand that two things could be true: My brain had been convinced that my actions were a matter of survival and thus justified, AND that didn’t actually make my actions justified. It also didn’t obligate anyone to forgive me for the harm I’d caused.
That’s a reality your sister is probably coming to grips with now. She may not remember all of the terrible things she did and positions she put you in, but I’d bet more money than I have that she knows that you have good reasons for being angry with her.
There’s no clock on your list of grievances; you don’t have to articulate them within the first week or even month she’s been home.
I know it’s tempting to hash out every crappy thing she did the moment she gets home, but you might be surprised by what’s already pinging around her head. Even if she doesn’t remember every detail of the incidents you outlined, she’s probably aware that she hasn’t been the best sister and likely feels her own guilt about it. She may not handle it the way you think she should, and you have every right to raise specific incidents or issues with her, but I wouldn’t go into that conversation assuming she doesn’t feel remorse.
In journalism, news reporters are often taught about the “inverted pyramid.” The gist is that you want to explain the most important aspects of the story first, and as the story progresses, you can delve into more detail. I think you should consider something similar here, as illustrated by my painfully flawed graphic design capabilities.
Instead of the length of a story, think of the inverted pyramid as the next few months.
The holidays can be really difficult for anyone in recovery, but especially someone who has only been out of rehab for a few weeks. For the first few weeks, especially through Thanksgiving—but also Christmas, if you can stomach it—maybe just stick with the biggest layer of the pyramid. You’re not denying how you feel, but you’re still supporting her through a tricky time.
She’s not the only one who benefits from this waiting period. As you (hopefully) have more interaction with her as a sober person, the more you may find that the incidents in that smallest triangle don’t matter as much. Right now, it might feel like one big ball of All The Same Thing, but it likely won’t stay that way.
Finally, you don’t have to go to Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous, but I would highly recommend finding a counselor (your college probably has some options) or someone else familiar with substance use disorders to talk to. It’s something I think everyone dealing with a newly sober loved one would benefit from.
It’s a place to go and vent to your heart’s content about every detail of everything that pisses you off about your sister, your parents, the whole situation. It’s a release valve that allows you to get out whatever you need to without every grievance bubbling over and spewing boiling water all over the place.
And you get to decide how much you show up for. Take breaks from the family when you need to (and you will need to!).
As for your parents, they’re on their own journey with all this. You all want your sister to be well, but you have different experiences with her addiction. How they approach her homecoming doesn’t have to affect how you do. Let them figure out their own road while you pave yours.
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Beautiful post. Some thoughts as someone who isn’t addicted to drinking but has been close to many people who are:
Alcoholism, in my view, isn’t sequestered to the obviously-addicted person; it’s a matrix of behaviors that are facilitated by a wider system. That’s part of why it’s called a “family disease” in 12 step circles. When I became overwhelmed by others’ drinking and how it was impacting me, I eventually had to sit with the ways I was choosing to collude with their addiction (as a way of handling my own emotional addictions). Such collusion isn’t the cause of another’s drinking, but it doesn’t mitigate it either. How I willingly let addicts sabotage elements of my life (and theirs) is something I’m still unlearning.
The writer talks about how they allowed their sister to drive their car, lied to police on their sister’s behalf, and did other things they weren’t obligated to do but chose to do anyway (out of genuine care for their sister, I’m sure). There are many people who’d hear an alcoholic’s request to borrow their vehicle and say “LOL, absolutely not; I love you, but no. That’s dangerous for you, and I want an intact car tomorrow. You can’t take it.” The question is, why are some of us willing to let alcoholics drive our cars, convince us to lie to others, and do other things we know are harmful to them and to us? That’s the question programs like Al-Anon and CoDa (and/or a decent therapist) help many of us to answer; not for the purpose of blaming/shaming ourselves, but to give us a concrete path out of the self-generated mayhem caused by our willingness to do / allows things that will obviously result in resentments (or worse).
My acting in ways that facilitate an alcoholic’s addiction has often been the deeper (but harder to admit) facet of my resentments. It’s also been the deeper (but harder to pursue) path towards freedom from resentment and chaos. I am allowed my grief for all an addict has done to themselves and to me, of course; it’s thoroughly justified and necessary for clarifying my boundaries and values! But given that I can’t make someone act differently, I’ve also had to investigate what I myself am doing that fans the flames of resentment (and shift behaviors accordingly), rather than expect the other person to change and anticipate everything will go smoothly from there. I’ve also played a part in an unhealthy dynamic, so the more I positively shift my behaviors, the less drama I experience in my life. Grief and self-ownership have gone hand-in-hand for me.
Of course, anyone reading this can take what they like and leave the rest. Blessings to this person and everyone else in similar positions.
I work as an addiction's counselor. I remember doing a family session where the parent was reminding them of their past wreckage, and the client replied, "I don't need you to remind me how much of a horrible person I am."
The person who did those horrible things is not the same as the sober person who was sitting in front of me. It's the real Jekyll and Hyde. When someone is in active substance use, studies show that their frontal lobe, responsible for executive functions, is not being used because the Hypothalamus (pleasure center) is driving the person through the production of Dopamine.
Al-Anon would be help tremendously, or therapy (as stated in the post) and also working through a fourth step as well.
Very good post Sober Lady!!