Beautiful post. Some thoughts as someone who isn’t addicted to drinking but has been close to many people who are:
Alcoholism, in my view, isn’t sequestered to the obviously-addicted person; it’s a matrix of behaviors that are facilitated by a wider system. That’s part of why it’s called a “family disease” in 12 step circles. When I became overwhelmed by others’ drinking and how it was impacting me, I eventually had to sit with the ways I was choosing to collude with their addiction (as a way of handling my own emotional addictions). Such collusion isn’t the cause of another’s drinking, but it doesn’t mitigate it either. How I willingly let addicts sabotage elements of my life (and theirs) is something I’m still unlearning.
The writer talks about how they allowed their sister to drive their car, lied to police on their sister’s behalf, and did other things they weren’t obligated to do but chose to do anyway (out of genuine care for their sister, I’m sure). There are many people who’d hear an alcoholic’s request to borrow their vehicle and say “LOL, absolutely not; I love you, but no. That’s dangerous for you, and I want an intact car tomorrow. You can’t take it.” The question is, why are some of us willing to let alcoholics drive our cars, convince us to lie to others, and do other things we know are harmful to them and to us? That’s the question programs like Al-Anon and CoDa (and/or a decent therapist) help many of us to answer; not for the purpose of blaming/shaming ourselves, but to give us a concrete path out of the self-generated mayhem caused by our willingness to do / allows things that will obviously result in resentments (or worse).
My acting in ways that facilitate an alcoholic’s addiction has often been the deeper (but harder to admit) facet of my resentments. It’s also been the deeper (but harder to pursue) path towards freedom from resentment and chaos. I am allowed my grief for all an addict has done to themselves and to me, of course; it’s thoroughly justified and necessary for clarifying my boundaries and values! But given that I can’t make someone act differently, I’ve also had to investigate what I myself am doing that fans the flames of resentment (and shift behaviors accordingly), rather than expect the other person to change and anticipate everything will go smoothly from there. I’ve also played a part in an unhealthy dynamic, so the more I positively shift my behaviors, the less drama I experience in my life. Grief and self-ownership have gone hand-in-hand for me.
Of course, anyone reading this can take what they like and leave the rest. Blessings to this person and everyone else in similar positions.
I work as an addiction's counselor. I remember doing a family session where the parent was reminding them of their past wreckage, and the client replied, "I don't need you to remind me how much of a horrible person I am."
The person who did those horrible things is not the same as the sober person who was sitting in front of me. It's the real Jekyll and Hyde. When someone is in active substance use, studies show that their frontal lobe, responsible for executive functions, is not being used because the Hypothalamus (pleasure center) is driving the person through the production of Dopamine.
Al-Anon would be help tremendously, or therapy (as stated in the post) and also working through a fourth step as well.
I was responding to the comment by The Honest Fool and I apologize for my mistake -- I meant to refer to the parent the commenter mentioned in the comment.
Oh no worries at all—I was just confused! Thanks for clarifying. And I think your idea for guilt vs honest sharing is a great idea for a column! I’ll add it to my list.
There's nothing wrong with taking about it, but the parent was more wanting to talk about it from a guilt trip more than anything else. Big difference between discussing it and making you feel bad for it
This would be a useful idea for a column of Sober Lady, maybe, because your answer sparks more questions, such as, what really is the difference, and who gets to say whether it's a guilt trip or in good faith? Couldn't the parent be doing their best and yet the offspring insists it's a "guilt trip"?
That's the reason we call addiction a systems problem not an individual problem. If someone in a family gets cancer, everyone in the family adjusts to create a new "normal." The addict goes to treatment but the same system that they affect is still in the same normal that was there when they left. Addiction causes resentments (and resentments can cause addiction), which in turn causes either enablement or detachment, which then in turn makes a return resentment, and so on and so on.
Love this advice. It’s strange—I feel a little jealousy when others talk about family members going to rehab. My brother passed away the day he was supposed to check into one. After he died, I had to learn to hold onto similar conflicting emotions—still being so angry at him and his destruction, while also missing him and feeling completely heartbroken. I’m wishing Only Sane Person in the Family ease and softness through the holidays.
Oh I’m so sorry about your brother—how tragic. Losing anyone to substances is a complicated mix of anger and heartbreak. And a reminder that we were so lucky to make it out of that alive.
I accompanied a friend to AA meetings in the early phases of sobriety; I had been a drinking partner and enabler, to a degree. While I didn't feel the need to keep going, I found that it was important for understanding the many facets of addiction and recovery. Sharing that while I wasn't there for my own problem but wanted to support my friend still found me welcomed to a group that felt comfortable with exposing its shames. It also forced me to sit and abide with people who were in a lot of stages of working out the chaos addiction had wrought, which gave me a good foundation to avoid that path on the occasions when I worried I might be. And it did force me to think about what role I had played in my friend's situation. To be clear, neither the friend nor I ever believed I had been the motive force or the major influence here. But it was still an important exercise in personal accountability.
I lost my only brother and older sister to addiction. Attending 12 step groups (for me Al-Anon, and now Catholic in Recovery), as well as therapy, have been instrumental in my own recovery. It's true addiction is a 'family disease' and all of us are affected by a loved one's addiction. I recall when my sister was in treatment, it was suggested to her husband that he obtain some support. I don't recall his exact words, but the gist of them was that *she* was the *one* with the *problem* and though I couldn't articulate it at the time, something within my very being recoiled at that attitude. I think many of us carry burdens that are not ours to carry (there's a part of me that blames myself for my brother's addiction), and attending 12 step groups and surrendering to God are one way - among many - that we can gain some clarity and peace in these complicated and painful situations. Blessings to you and yours!
I understand all of the persons anger. It’s very difficult to pretend like nothing happened, but I think going through the recovery stage gives people an opportunity to reset and find a new state of normalcy. The other option is more chaos.
It takes time to find a new normal, and I think there will be a lot of time later for you to express your feelings and maybe hear an honest apology. That’s a good scenario.
I also think it’s realistic that the person will never take responsibility for their actions, they might continue to make bad choices… it’s best to find peace and realize they may never change, you tried to do your best for them, and you can just choose to love them anyway, even if it’s from a distance.
This is based on my personal experience, both ends of the spectrum, a good outcome and a bad outcome. I’m going back to college in the spring, and one of my paths to consider is in addiction.
I think everyone at some point in life knows someone close to them with addiction. It’s really life changing, and many times it still isn’t talked about openly because people find it embarrassing, although if we take away the shame I think there would be a lot more space for help and healing.
I think the parents are playing the “fake it til you make it” game because they love their daughter and I’m sure they are angry too, but sometimes love outweighs anger.
I know a lot of people think, “This is THEIR problem. Why should I have to inconvenience myself with meetings?!” And it’s totally justifiable.
But as the alcoholic, my family didn’t go to any meetings. And they never really understood what it was like for me and never talked to anyone else about how it felt for them. So while their support was well intentioned, it was ill-informed, and unproductive. Our growth as a unit ended. And 9 years later, they still don’t understand me. Sometimes I think going to just a handful would have been helpful.
I continue to grow. Because that’s how I recover. And I no longer go to AA meetings for the record.
My one sister (out of 6 total siblings) is the ONLY member in my family who went to the meetings and is really the only person who understands me at all.
My thought is this, if you want to be a supportive person, you do what it takes even if it’s inconvenient. If my sister had Cancer and needed me to drive her to chemo once a week or a Cancer support group, and that’s what she needed from me to get through it, I’d do it. Because I know it wouldn’t be forever. And my understanding and support could only speed up her recovery.
Granted, I say this as the sober person and it was 9 years ago when it all went down. I also know how hard it is to forgive. I never lied or stole in my addiction so if I had, I’m sure my family would feel exactly the same as this person.
I think in the beginning, unconditional love and support needs to come before the forgiveness. It’s what got me through. Once I knew I was safe and supported, I could then begin to mend what i had broken. But it took a while. I wasn’t cured leaving rehab. Even the first few years of sobriety I was still kind of a mess.
I’m lucky. I had/have people to stand by me. The ones that have no one left are the ones that struggle the most.
Sorry for the rant and the excessive use of the word support.
I think this is really spectacular advice. All of it. I would add that the person writing you doesn’t really know yet what she’s dealing with or will have to deal with. She needs to see how her sibling has processed and will continue to process this. It may wildly surprise her it may wildly disappoint her. It can be the most frustrating thing when you feel others are enabling but as you said and Fleetwood Mac said they’re going their own way. But I think she should have a similar pyramid for her folks. Again a very thoughtful response that should help.
I have found it helpful to keep the long view. My brother caused a lot of the same type of upset as mentioned in the letter. So much stress and anger. We as a family didn’t see him for a long time. When the thaw happened it was because we all realized we wanted the same things: him to ge sober and healthy, the rest of us to be confident he was doing what he needed to stay that way. It took time, with some missteps on everyone’s part. But we kept our goal in mind: an intact relationship. That did come about, and I realized that the anger I had felt dissipated as I understood addiction more and witnessed the change in him for the better. Nit easy or predictable, but steady improvement.
Thanks. Many families deal with addiction in one way or another including me. And it's helpful to talk to other people who have experienced it. Tricky to know how to help while admitting how powerless we are. Writing to Ask a Sober Lady is a good place to start. There are many resources out there when we reach out for help.
Well, probably you need to talk to a therapist about your issues, and your sister needs to find somewhere to live where her sobriety will be supported. Myabe give your parents a book, but sounds like they are not coping well - once a family has organized itself around the "identified patient", the identified patient getting a little better, seldom shifts that dynamic.
Al-anon will provide you with a peer group of people who will share their journey with an alcoholic. Therapy is brilliant but why not have company on this particular ride? I was the awful sister drunk. Sober 40 years. Don’t give up OR feel responsible. You didn’t cause, you can’t cure or control.
Beautiful post. Some thoughts as someone who isn’t addicted to drinking but has been close to many people who are:
Alcoholism, in my view, isn’t sequestered to the obviously-addicted person; it’s a matrix of behaviors that are facilitated by a wider system. That’s part of why it’s called a “family disease” in 12 step circles. When I became overwhelmed by others’ drinking and how it was impacting me, I eventually had to sit with the ways I was choosing to collude with their addiction (as a way of handling my own emotional addictions). Such collusion isn’t the cause of another’s drinking, but it doesn’t mitigate it either. How I willingly let addicts sabotage elements of my life (and theirs) is something I’m still unlearning.
The writer talks about how they allowed their sister to drive their car, lied to police on their sister’s behalf, and did other things they weren’t obligated to do but chose to do anyway (out of genuine care for their sister, I’m sure). There are many people who’d hear an alcoholic’s request to borrow their vehicle and say “LOL, absolutely not; I love you, but no. That’s dangerous for you, and I want an intact car tomorrow. You can’t take it.” The question is, why are some of us willing to let alcoholics drive our cars, convince us to lie to others, and do other things we know are harmful to them and to us? That’s the question programs like Al-Anon and CoDa (and/or a decent therapist) help many of us to answer; not for the purpose of blaming/shaming ourselves, but to give us a concrete path out of the self-generated mayhem caused by our willingness to do / allows things that will obviously result in resentments (or worse).
My acting in ways that facilitate an alcoholic’s addiction has often been the deeper (but harder to admit) facet of my resentments. It’s also been the deeper (but harder to pursue) path towards freedom from resentment and chaos. I am allowed my grief for all an addict has done to themselves and to me, of course; it’s thoroughly justified and necessary for clarifying my boundaries and values! But given that I can’t make someone act differently, I’ve also had to investigate what I myself am doing that fans the flames of resentment (and shift behaviors accordingly), rather than expect the other person to change and anticipate everything will go smoothly from there. I’ve also played a part in an unhealthy dynamic, so the more I positively shift my behaviors, the less drama I experience in my life. Grief and self-ownership have gone hand-in-hand for me.
Of course, anyone reading this can take what they like and leave the rest. Blessings to this person and everyone else in similar positions.
well said; thank you for sharing your experience
I work as an addiction's counselor. I remember doing a family session where the parent was reminding them of their past wreckage, and the client replied, "I don't need you to remind me how much of a horrible person I am."
The person who did those horrible things is not the same as the sober person who was sitting in front of me. It's the real Jekyll and Hyde. When someone is in active substance use, studies show that their frontal lobe, responsible for executive functions, is not being used because the Hypothalamus (pleasure center) is driving the person through the production of Dopamine.
Al-Anon would be help tremendously, or therapy (as stated in the post) and also working through a fourth step as well.
Very good post Sober Lady!!
Thank you!
Should the mother not have talked about the past wreckage?
Not sure what you mean about the mother. Only the sister and the parents were mentioned
I was responding to the comment by The Honest Fool and I apologize for my mistake -- I meant to refer to the parent the commenter mentioned in the comment.
Oh no worries at all—I was just confused! Thanks for clarifying. And I think your idea for guilt vs honest sharing is a great idea for a column! I’ll add it to my list.
There's nothing wrong with taking about it, but the parent was more wanting to talk about it from a guilt trip more than anything else. Big difference between discussing it and making you feel bad for it
This would be a useful idea for a column of Sober Lady, maybe, because your answer sparks more questions, such as, what really is the difference, and who gets to say whether it's a guilt trip or in good faith? Couldn't the parent be doing their best and yet the offspring insists it's a "guilt trip"?
That's the reason we call addiction a systems problem not an individual problem. If someone in a family gets cancer, everyone in the family adjusts to create a new "normal." The addict goes to treatment but the same system that they affect is still in the same normal that was there when they left. Addiction causes resentments (and resentments can cause addiction), which in turn causes either enablement or detachment, which then in turn makes a return resentment, and so on and so on.
Love this advice. It’s strange—I feel a little jealousy when others talk about family members going to rehab. My brother passed away the day he was supposed to check into one. After he died, I had to learn to hold onto similar conflicting emotions—still being so angry at him and his destruction, while also missing him and feeling completely heartbroken. I’m wishing Only Sane Person in the Family ease and softness through the holidays.
Oh I’m so sorry about your brother—how tragic. Losing anyone to substances is a complicated mix of anger and heartbreak. And a reminder that we were so lucky to make it out of that alive.
I accompanied a friend to AA meetings in the early phases of sobriety; I had been a drinking partner and enabler, to a degree. While I didn't feel the need to keep going, I found that it was important for understanding the many facets of addiction and recovery. Sharing that while I wasn't there for my own problem but wanted to support my friend still found me welcomed to a group that felt comfortable with exposing its shames. It also forced me to sit and abide with people who were in a lot of stages of working out the chaos addiction had wrought, which gave me a good foundation to avoid that path on the occasions when I worried I might be. And it did force me to think about what role I had played in my friend's situation. To be clear, neither the friend nor I ever believed I had been the motive force or the major influence here. But it was still an important exercise in personal accountability.
I lost my only brother and older sister to addiction. Attending 12 step groups (for me Al-Anon, and now Catholic in Recovery), as well as therapy, have been instrumental in my own recovery. It's true addiction is a 'family disease' and all of us are affected by a loved one's addiction. I recall when my sister was in treatment, it was suggested to her husband that he obtain some support. I don't recall his exact words, but the gist of them was that *she* was the *one* with the *problem* and though I couldn't articulate it at the time, something within my very being recoiled at that attitude. I think many of us carry burdens that are not ours to carry (there's a part of me that blames myself for my brother's addiction), and attending 12 step groups and surrendering to God are one way - among many - that we can gain some clarity and peace in these complicated and painful situations. Blessings to you and yours!
I’m so sorry for your losses—that’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you’ve found recovery, clarity, and some peace. ❤️
Thank you.
I understand all of the persons anger. It’s very difficult to pretend like nothing happened, but I think going through the recovery stage gives people an opportunity to reset and find a new state of normalcy. The other option is more chaos.
It takes time to find a new normal, and I think there will be a lot of time later for you to express your feelings and maybe hear an honest apology. That’s a good scenario.
I also think it’s realistic that the person will never take responsibility for their actions, they might continue to make bad choices… it’s best to find peace and realize they may never change, you tried to do your best for them, and you can just choose to love them anyway, even if it’s from a distance.
This is based on my personal experience, both ends of the spectrum, a good outcome and a bad outcome. I’m going back to college in the spring, and one of my paths to consider is in addiction.
I think everyone at some point in life knows someone close to them with addiction. It’s really life changing, and many times it still isn’t talked about openly because people find it embarrassing, although if we take away the shame I think there would be a lot more space for help and healing.
I think the parents are playing the “fake it til you make it” game because they love their daughter and I’m sure they are angry too, but sometimes love outweighs anger.
Man, this post really triggered something in me.
I can hear the resentment in their voice.
I know a lot of people think, “This is THEIR problem. Why should I have to inconvenience myself with meetings?!” And it’s totally justifiable.
But as the alcoholic, my family didn’t go to any meetings. And they never really understood what it was like for me and never talked to anyone else about how it felt for them. So while their support was well intentioned, it was ill-informed, and unproductive. Our growth as a unit ended. And 9 years later, they still don’t understand me. Sometimes I think going to just a handful would have been helpful.
I continue to grow. Because that’s how I recover. And I no longer go to AA meetings for the record.
My one sister (out of 6 total siblings) is the ONLY member in my family who went to the meetings and is really the only person who understands me at all.
My thought is this, if you want to be a supportive person, you do what it takes even if it’s inconvenient. If my sister had Cancer and needed me to drive her to chemo once a week or a Cancer support group, and that’s what she needed from me to get through it, I’d do it. Because I know it wouldn’t be forever. And my understanding and support could only speed up her recovery.
Granted, I say this as the sober person and it was 9 years ago when it all went down. I also know how hard it is to forgive. I never lied or stole in my addiction so if I had, I’m sure my family would feel exactly the same as this person.
I think in the beginning, unconditional love and support needs to come before the forgiveness. It’s what got me through. Once I knew I was safe and supported, I could then begin to mend what i had broken. But it took a while. I wasn’t cured leaving rehab. Even the first few years of sobriety I was still kind of a mess.
I’m lucky. I had/have people to stand by me. The ones that have no one left are the ones that struggle the most.
Sorry for the rant and the excessive use of the word support.
I know, this one was close to home for me too! (I’ve been on both sides: welcoming someone back from rehab and being the person leaving rehab).
I think this is really spectacular advice. All of it. I would add that the person writing you doesn’t really know yet what she’s dealing with or will have to deal with. She needs to see how her sibling has processed and will continue to process this. It may wildly surprise her it may wildly disappoint her. It can be the most frustrating thing when you feel others are enabling but as you said and Fleetwood Mac said they’re going their own way. But I think she should have a similar pyramid for her folks. Again a very thoughtful response that should help.
Thank you!
And I agree, the pyramid applies to the parents as well!
I have found it helpful to keep the long view. My brother caused a lot of the same type of upset as mentioned in the letter. So much stress and anger. We as a family didn’t see him for a long time. When the thaw happened it was because we all realized we wanted the same things: him to ge sober and healthy, the rest of us to be confident he was doing what he needed to stay that way. It took time, with some missteps on everyone’s part. But we kept our goal in mind: an intact relationship. That did come about, and I realized that the anger I had felt dissipated as I understood addiction more and witnessed the change in him for the better. Nit easy or predictable, but steady improvement.
That’s wonderful
Well done. I think advice from an experienced fellow traveler, like you, is very valuable in ways very different from therapy.
Thank you for your post. I appreciate your wisdom.
More cleaning of the mailbox...
Your words are always empathetic and insightful, in my opinion. Thank you for what you do.
Thank you, Dave 💛
I wish I'd had your pyramid 40 years ago (or, in fact, last week). So helpful. Thank you.
💕
Thanks. Many families deal with addiction in one way or another including me. And it's helpful to talk to other people who have experienced it. Tricky to know how to help while admitting how powerless we are. Writing to Ask a Sober Lady is a good place to start. There are many resources out there when we reach out for help.
Well, probably you need to talk to a therapist about your issues, and your sister needs to find somewhere to live where her sobriety will be supported. Myabe give your parents a book, but sounds like they are not coping well - once a family has organized itself around the "identified patient", the identified patient getting a little better, seldom shifts that dynamic.
Al-anon will provide you with a peer group of people who will share their journey with an alcoholic. Therapy is brilliant but why not have company on this particular ride? I was the awful sister drunk. Sober 40 years. Don’t give up OR feel responsible. You didn’t cause, you can’t cure or control.