I waited 2 years to date after becoming sober. That being said, every single date drank (some to excess) that I finally had to pull back and look at myself. I realized that there was still something in me that was attracting drinkers/active alcoholics. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, quietly tucked it away in a box and worked on myself for another 3 years. When I decided to try dating again, I found my life partner. He ticked off all the items on my list including sobriety. He was okay drinking NA beer. NA beer was one of my triggers so I avoided it like the plague. When he realized that even the smell of beer on his breath was a trigger for me, he gave it all up. We are celebrating 15 years together this year, he has 30+ years of sobriety and I have over 20 years.
Sober Lady says it all so I hesitate to add ANYTHING to her response - but apparently I will anyway lololol. This Sunday I will have 18 years sober. Normally I keep this to myself but right around my anniversary I start to get excited, and grateful, and amazed, and anyways, there's that. I can say with absolute certainty that there are a multitude of people who do not drink. So if the main concern is whether or not you are limiting your dating pool if you require abstinence from alcohol as a prerequisite to a partner, rest assured you are not! As my one friend likes to say, men are like busses, there's another one coming around the corner any minute :) I refuse to comment further on whether dating someone who drinks is prudent. After 18 years, one thing I DO know is I could poo poo the idea and then meet someone next week who likes to imbibe and throw caution to the wind... trust your gut - have fun - enjoy sobriety - and remember about the busses.
My husband was my drinking buddy. I started quitting 13 years into our marriage and quit entirely 5 years later in 2018. I don't participate in any 12 step based programs. My husband has cut back on his own by about 75% and I'm sure it's due to my quitting and him probably feeling self conscious or trying to be respectful of my non drinking status.
There are times when I get a little annoyed that he still drinks but I'm also impressed with the amount he's cut back. It's never a balanced state, sometimes I get really annoyed that he still drinks and other times I'm very grateful and proud that he's cut back so much. The way I look at it is, he's never made me feel weird for quitting and I'm not going to make him feel weird for not quitting.
This resonated with me: “I just can’t stand the way it can tweak personalities and moods with just a drink or two.” I get bored around drunks. They repeat stories and think they’re just as funny second time around. Yawn. Being around normal drinkers is fine for me, but it’s not for every sober person. I once dated a dude who’s Muslim cuz I was excited to be with someone who didn’t drink for religious, rather than medical, reasons. (Yes, alcoholism, or substance abuse disorder, is a medical condition.) But he was a liar and cheater. I’d prefer a non-lying, non-cheating moderate drinker. We all need to find our personal comfort level.
Even as someone who drinks, it isn't difficult to abstain when spending time with someone who is sober. That your partner is unwilling or unable to do so is the red flag, not the drinking itself.
I agree, but I didn’t get the sense from the email that the letter writer had asked “Sam” to do so…the response to that question/request would’ve spoken volumes
I waited 2 years to date after becoming sober. That being said, every single date drank (some to excess) that I finally had to pull back and look at myself. I realized that there was still something in me that was attracting drinkers/active alcoholics. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, quietly tucked it away in a box and worked on myself for another 3 years. When I decided to try dating again, I found my life partner. He ticked off all the items on my list including sobriety. He was okay drinking NA beer. NA beer was one of my triggers so I avoided it like the plague. When he realized that even the smell of beer on his breath was a trigger for me, he gave it all up. We are celebrating 15 years together this year, he has 30+ years of sobriety and I have over 20 years.
Sober Lady says it all so I hesitate to add ANYTHING to her response - but apparently I will anyway lololol. This Sunday I will have 18 years sober. Normally I keep this to myself but right around my anniversary I start to get excited, and grateful, and amazed, and anyways, there's that. I can say with absolute certainty that there are a multitude of people who do not drink. So if the main concern is whether or not you are limiting your dating pool if you require abstinence from alcohol as a prerequisite to a partner, rest assured you are not! As my one friend likes to say, men are like busses, there's another one coming around the corner any minute :) I refuse to comment further on whether dating someone who drinks is prudent. After 18 years, one thing I DO know is I could poo poo the idea and then meet someone next week who likes to imbibe and throw caution to the wind... trust your gut - have fun - enjoy sobriety - and remember about the busses.
Nice one about the busses!!
My husband was my drinking buddy. I started quitting 13 years into our marriage and quit entirely 5 years later in 2018. I don't participate in any 12 step based programs. My husband has cut back on his own by about 75% and I'm sure it's due to my quitting and him probably feeling self conscious or trying to be respectful of my non drinking status.
There are times when I get a little annoyed that he still drinks but I'm also impressed with the amount he's cut back. It's never a balanced state, sometimes I get really annoyed that he still drinks and other times I'm very grateful and proud that he's cut back so much. The way I look at it is, he's never made me feel weird for quitting and I'm not going to make him feel weird for not quitting.
This resonated with me: “I just can’t stand the way it can tweak personalities and moods with just a drink or two.” I get bored around drunks. They repeat stories and think they’re just as funny second time around. Yawn. Being around normal drinkers is fine for me, but it’s not for every sober person. I once dated a dude who’s Muslim cuz I was excited to be with someone who didn’t drink for religious, rather than medical, reasons. (Yes, alcoholism, or substance abuse disorder, is a medical condition.) But he was a liar and cheater. I’d prefer a non-lying, non-cheating moderate drinker. We all need to find our personal comfort level.
I always like the comment section on your posts. Your readers are so thoughtful.
Thank you, I agree. I have the best readers <3
As if the sober thing wasn't enough of a challenge already. Then that damn relationship thing has to happen!
Even as someone who drinks, it isn't difficult to abstain when spending time with someone who is sober. That your partner is unwilling or unable to do so is the red flag, not the drinking itself.
I agree Kate.
It's hard to know what to think about the unwilling/unable part other than maybe just not a great fit on that reason alone.
I agree, but I didn’t get the sense from the email that the letter writer had asked “Sam” to do so…the response to that question/request would’ve spoken volumes