Hi SL,
If your partner drinks, how do you navigate being around that sober?
I’ve been dating somebody for a few months, and it’s my first relationship since getting sober a couple of years ago. I was initially of the opinion that somebody who drinks occasionally and very moderately and responsibly would be just fine …. And I’m starting to mentally pivot towards maybe needing to be with somebody who is also completely sober and moving on from this current relationship.
Is it crazy to just not want to be around it and have to be the sober person watching the other person with the slightest of hangovers after a drink or two on Fridays or Saturdays or multiple days a week?
I feel like I’ve extracted alcohol from my life, and I don’t know if I wanna observe it in my partner or have drinking be something that they want to do, even occasionally, if I have to sit there and be around it. I just can’t stand the way it can tweak personalities and moods with just a drink or two.
Am I being too harsh here? Is this going to be too limiting for me as I date and have relationships?
Sincerely,
Sober and annoyed
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Hi SA,
Thank you for the question. Before I get into the specifics of your current situation, I want to flag the last thing you said: “Is this going to be too limiting for me as I date and have relationships?“
Like the creaky, old teetotaler that I am, I can assure you that how you feel about having a partner who imbibes may change the longer you stay sober. (Or it may not!) The point is, don’t assume that whatever conclusions you come to now about your partner’s alcohol use will dictate your comfort level in any potential future relationships. Some sober people feel that they could never be in a relationship with someone who drinks or uses drugs, and they continue to feel that way throughout their sobriety. Many more, however, eventually realize that our comfort level changes depending on countless factors, not the least of which is how we’re feeling about our own sobriety.
Ok, getting into the specifics of your current relationship. It sounds like your partner drinks frequently (weekends, maybe a few nights a week), but not excessively. You repeatedly say a drink or two, so I’m guessing that’s the norm for this person.
You are allowed to be uncomfortable with whatever makes you uncomfortable! And while part of recovery is learning to sit with discomfort, that doesn’t mean you have to seek it out in your personal relationships. That said, you’re unlikely to find a relationship in which you experience no discomfort or annoyance at all, so it’s worth figuring out how much this matters to you.
Let’s call your partner...Sam. It’s a lovely little gender-neutral name. Have you spoken to Sam about your feelings? More importantly, have you figured out what your feelings are? Discomfort can mean a lot of things.
Are you ok being around Sam when they’re mildly hungover? Do you care if Sam goes out with friends and has a couple of drinks as long as you don’t have to see them either drunk or hungover? Do you not want to hear about Sam’s drinking life at all? Or, as I suspect might be the case, are you kind of over the relationship generally, which is heightening your annoyance and discomfort around their alcohol use?
Only you know the answers to these questions. But nothing in your email gives me a sense of what your relationship is like when Sam’s not drinking—i.e., what you get out of the relationship that’s making the struggle around their alcohol use so difficult. Instead, you seem more concerned about what being uncomfortable with Sam’s alcohol use might mean for future relationships.
I don’t say this to criticize you, and please forgive me if I’m reading this incorrectly. But it’s not uncommon for subconscious doubts about a relationship to manifest as an issue with a single behavior or trait. Alcohol use seems like a logical one because I do not doubt that there is very real and understandable discomfort there.
If I’m wrong, and Sam’s drinking is the only issue here, I’d suggest figuring out the scenarios in which you are/n’t comfortable being around their drinking or the aftermath of it. Rate them on a scale of hard, medium, and light.
As hypotheticals: Maybe being around Sam’s group of friends when they’re drinking is a hard boundary—the discomfort is too much, and you flatly don’t want to be around it (maybe except special occasions like birthdays) vs a soft boundary, like being irritated by the morning sluggishness that comes after two glasses of wine but gets shaken off over the course of the day.
Once you’ve figured that out, it’s time for you and Sam to talk. If you think this is a relationship worth working on, I’d explain how you’ve been feeling and share some reflections on where you’ve discovered the hard lines for you.
Warning! Some things to avoid:
-Avoid suggesting that Sam SHOULD quit drinking for your comfort. If Sam wants to make that decision on their own, that’s fine, but it’s not reasonable to ask someone you’ve only been dating for a few months to stop using alcohol when their use boils down to 1-2 drinks a few times a week.
(Side note: Which is not to say 1-2 drinks can’t be annoying. There are people in my life who, after 1-2 drinks, can spike my blood pressure so high it feels like my head will erupt like a science project volcano; I can tolerate others getting sloppy drunk without the slightest annoyance.)
-I would strongly avoid framing the issue as “Sam’s” problem. I don’t think you see it as their problem, but it’s a line of discussion that can inspire some defensiveness, regardless of whether it’s warranted. Instead, make sure to frame it as something you’ve realized about yourself and your comfort level, and ask if they’d be willing to talk through the various issues and options with you.
But you may be right that, at least for now, you should be with someone who doesn’t drink at all. There’s nothing wrong with that, and there’s nothing wrong with Sam if they decide they’re not that person.
For the first year and a half or so of my sobriety, I only dated other sober people. I don’t know that it was a conscious decision as much as I was spending most of my time around other sober people, but that’s how things shook out. After that, I knew I wasn’t going to be the right fit for someone who was a heavy drinker, but I was open to dating people who drank moderately.
My partner of nearly 13 years is a very moderate drinker—made all the more so by the one hard and fast rule I have: no hard liquor in the house. I can’t be a work-from-home lady with bottles of booze sitting around unconsumed; it would be like smoking a cigarette while pumping gas: almost certain to end badly. So my partner will sometimes have a beer or two, and when we’re out, he’ll sometimes have a “real” drink, and I can’t explain how it’s possible, but I can count the number of times I’ve seen him actually drunk on one hand. It baffles but impresses me.
But that doesn’t mean all is smooth sailing in the House of Sober Lady. My partner wishes he could keep hard liquor in the house, especially for when we have guests or just in case he ever wants a fancy drink. And I feel guilty because I want him to have that! But I know that, for me, it’s too dangerous a proposition.
I’ve been sober for 18 years, and I am as certain as I’ve ever been that I can’t safely live in a house where there’s hard alcohol. I don’t love having beer or wine in the house, but it doesn’t make me feel unsafe the way hard alcohol does. Everyone has their own lines around this stuff–it’s not about being wrong or right or limiting or generous, it’s about parsing what you need from what you want.
It’s perfectly fine to end relationships over unfulfilled wants. But if you mistake those wants for absolute needs, you may in fact be limiting your options in the future. So get really detailed about the distinction between your wants and your needs. Both are important, but knowing the difference can help orient you on your path forward.
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I waited 2 years to date after becoming sober. That being said, every single date drank (some to excess) that I finally had to pull back and look at myself. I realized that there was still something in me that was attracting drinkers/active alcoholics. I made a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner, quietly tucked it away in a box and worked on myself for another 3 years. When I decided to try dating again, I found my life partner. He ticked off all the items on my list including sobriety. He was okay drinking NA beer. NA beer was one of my triggers so I avoided it like the plague. When he realized that even the smell of beer on his breath was a trigger for me, he gave it all up. We are celebrating 15 years together this year, he has 30+ years of sobriety and I have over 20 years.
Sober Lady says it all so I hesitate to add ANYTHING to her response - but apparently I will anyway lololol. This Sunday I will have 18 years sober. Normally I keep this to myself but right around my anniversary I start to get excited, and grateful, and amazed, and anyways, there's that. I can say with absolute certainty that there are a multitude of people who do not drink. So if the main concern is whether or not you are limiting your dating pool if you require abstinence from alcohol as a prerequisite to a partner, rest assured you are not! As my one friend likes to say, men are like busses, there's another one coming around the corner any minute :) I refuse to comment further on whether dating someone who drinks is prudent. After 18 years, one thing I DO know is I could poo poo the idea and then meet someone next week who likes to imbibe and throw caution to the wind... trust your gut - have fun - enjoy sobriety - and remember about the busses.