Hi Katie,
I am so happy to have found you on Substack.
I have been sober for 18 months. My journey to AA was not typical; alcoholism runs in my family, and both my father and sister passed away from the disease.
While I think AA is a wonderful program, I am struggling with the steps themselves. I feel pressure from the fellowship to get a sponsor, but I am currently in intensive EMDR therapy for trauma. I do not feel comfortable opening up to someone who isn’t a qualified professional, especially when I’ve been told that my issues will disappear once I complete the steps. Additionally, because I haven’t done the steps, I often find it difficult to relate to the discussions in meetings.
I am more of an introvert and sometimes feel like I don’t fit in. I currently chair a meeting once a week, which I enjoy, but I feel it is time for someone else to take over with fresh ideas. However, I worry that if I back away from the meetings, I might relapse.
Is what I am experiencing common?
Thank you, and have a wonderful evening.
Sincerely,
Uncertain Introvert
Hi UI,
Congratulations on 18 months of sobriety! You are most definitely not alone. AA can be a wonderful program, but the twelve steps don’t resonate with everyone. I spent years involved in AA (sponsor, steps, the whole nine yards) and gradually drifted away because, over time, it became less of a fit for me. Recently, and much to my surprise, a friend and I have occasionally gone to a weekly meeting together. I don’t go every week, and I’m not doing it with the same gusto I would if I were newly sober, but it’s been nice having a tentacle back in that world (without totally immersing myself in it).
I share that background so you know where I’m coming from when I say this: Anyone who tells you that your “issues will disappear once you complete the steps” is wrong. Bill Wilson himself would have told you it’s wrong. Yes, the Big Book is full of grandiose statements about the benefits of completing the steps, but they’re more aspirational than literal—they’re also specifically about recovery from alcohol addiction, not PTSD or trauma.
You’re absolutely right to reject the premise that the steps will magically solve every “issue.” The steps were never designed to address other mental health conditions. It might help some people manage symptoms associated with other disorders, but that’s not why AA exists. There’s a reason the Big Book mentions “other disorders,” and states, “we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist.” The Program is designed to help people quit drinking and stay sober—not treat trauma or address mood disorders.
Sponsors aren’t qualified mental health professionals, and it’s not their job to provide that kind of treatment. In theory, they’re there to help you think through some of what was driving your alcohol use and support you as you navigate the world as a sober person. They’re a recovery mountain guide for climbing the twelve steps. That said, the line between the work you’d do with a sponsor and what you’d discuss with a mental health professional can be blurry; if you’re in a place where opening up to someone who isn’t a professional feels unsafe, don’t do it.
I have some experience with EMDR, and I know how exhausting and potentially destabilizing the process can be. It’s a little like shaking a snowglobe: All the trauma that had settled on the bottom lifts and spreads haphazardly through the water, closer to the surface than it’s been in years. It’s extremely important to have support while you’re doing that work. You don’t want someone who’s not a mental health professional stepping in and moving the snow around based only on their knowledge of the twelve steps.
Tomorrow is my birthday, and the best present you could give me is upgrading to a paid subscription; that lets me keep doing what I love: writing this newsletter.
Your email expresses two gut instincts that I think are wise: This isn’t the time to open up to someone who isn’t a qualified mental health professional, and simply abandoning meetings might not be the best call.
Fortunately, other programs might be a better fit for you, at least for now. SMART Recovery is one option. SMART is rooted in Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which align well with the EMDR work you’re already doing. The people who run it aren’t mental health professionals, but it also focuses less on disclosing one’s history to another person and more on therapeutic tools you can use to aid your recovery. Dave, an AASL reader, talked a little about his preference for SMART Recovery over AA here. There are other free programs and groups as well, many of which you can find at this link.
I would check some of these alternatives out and try to find something you connect with before leaving AA. Think of it like leaving a job—ideally, you’d have another job lined up before leaving your current one. But there’s a big caveat to that statement: if you feel like AA is doing more harm than good, you may want to leave ASAP. From your email, though, it sounds more like a job that’s not the right fit—you need the paycheck, but the work kind of sucks, and you feel awkward around your colleagues. Not the environment you want long-term, but nothing critical is forcing you out the door.
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Fortunately, unlike jobs, SMART Recovery and the other programs are always open. The only question is if one of them is the right fit for you.
Very few of the people I know in recovery have a static relationship with AA. Most people start in the Program; some drift away for years, then come back; others stay away for good; and everyone else is somewhere in between.
Around the time I got your email, Crystal C. commented on an AASL post, and it was almost as though she knew you’d written me with this question. I’ve pasted the relevant portion below; you can check out the full comment and the post here.
“I left AA after 2 years of sobriety when someone in a meeting (someone I trusted and respected) called me out for not identifying as an ‘alcoholic’ and not having a sponsor. I didn’t attend meetings for a year or so, although I kept in contact with a few wonderful women I met through AA, my sober tribe. I’m back to attending 2 women’s meetings a week, and nobody makes me feel ‘less than’ for not identifying as an alcoholic. I just don’t like the word! I certainly qualify as someone who can’t stop at just 1 drink and know I’ll never be able to drink ‘normally’ again, whatever that means. I was always a blackout drinker, so ‘normal drinking’ is not something I understand. Anyway, life is 100% better without alcohol, and I’m grateful for ALL the ways/programs available to help us get & stay sober.
Recovery is fluid. I would trust your gut about sponsorship and even stepping away from the Program, if that feels right, but I think it’s wise to try to find something that functions as a replacement first. Maybe sometime in the future, you’ll give AA a shot again; maybe not. If you do, you may end up working with a sponsor once you’ve completed your EMDR treatment, or you may not. You’re 18 months sober, and it sounds to me like you have a good instinct for what you need: a mental health professional you trust and peer support to help you stay sober. You get to decide what that looks like. If you don’t know yet, keep trying things until you do.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
Next month I’ll be 26 years sober and whilst I have always been grateful to AA for the connection, the support and the opportunity to be there for others, I have never really ‘worked’ the steps. After about 5 or 6 years I didn’t really go to meetings, either. I came back to meetings about a year ago. Mainly because I felt I needed connection with ‘my tribe’. People who generally don’t know how to stop but think it important that they do and who want to share useful tips about living useful & thoughtful lives. I’d always mostly enjoyed meetings and the kindness and graciousness I usually found there. I’m still an atheist but with an open mind to the complexity and mystery that is the universe and life. I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve always taken from AA what I’ve found useful and left the rest. So far, it seems enough for me to have fully accepted that I can’t drink sensibly (not just in my head, but in my heart too) and to ensure I take steps (pun intended) to connect with others, do the things that create a useful and congruent life and stay chill about the outcome.
Your words are so wise, Katie. I second the other commenter on trying different meetings. I was taught: “If you like everyone in AA, you’re not going to enough meetings.” Everyone does recovery differently, and shaming should never be part of it. And nobody should be bullied into labeling herself “alcoholic.” The ONLY requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Thanks for your wonderful work!