This is so incredibly timely. For me, I don't associate the reasons I did shitty things with drinking. I drank for many, many, many reasons, one of which was that I did shitty things I would rather not have looked at. Sure, drinking made it so very much easier and so very much more likely that I would do shitty things. It even made it so that the shitty things I did, I did even more shittily. But it wasn't WHY.
Doing steps 4 through 9 required that I be honest about that, decide to take different action, and then actually take that action. It was the most freeing thing I ever did, and I absolutely, under no circumstances, EVER, would have done it solely of my own accord, as my own idea.
That freedom alone would have been enough by far, but as a further miracle, I have discovered that the greatest gift of owning my past is the opportunity to help other people who are stuck in their actual shitty present, when it looks remarkably like my increasingly distant past.
I can relate to your post Steve. After nearly 14 years I did another amends with my youngest (who's now 31 and 2 years sober). Anyhow, I said nearly the same thing to them, in part I made some shitty decisions as a parent, some when drunk and (perhaps) just as many when sober. No excuses. Thanks for your words.
Oh yes, I didn’t drink because of the shitty things I did—it was largely the other way around. But from there, it was just a nightmarish chicken and egg spiral.
I absolutely agree that the benefit of a “shameful” past is the ability to use that past to help others who are struggling. It’s an incredible, almost alchemical transformation from shame to usefulness and compassion.
Thanks for this post. For quite a number if years, I didn't last at 12-Step meetings because I waa terrified of doing the Step 4 inventory. I didn't want to deal with all of the crude in my life, let alone go through it again in Step 5. I don't know how I got past that fear, but I finally worked all of the steps a dozen or so years ago. It wasn't easy to do Step 4, but I wasn't terrified. Somewhere in all of that I found a way to make some peace with my past. I wish I knew how because I would share it with anyone struggling. I think it has something to do with being able to live until (if I'm lucky) I get to see a benefit from going through the crap. But I don't know how I do that, either. (It just might be because I'm too tired to deal with it. 🙄)
Damn this piece brings up a lot. I f***** up my relationship with my sweet, well-meaning first sponsor because I was looking for a friend, not a sponsor, and now she's on my latest list of amends to make. I guess we do better when we know better. Thank you for writing this piece.
I totally get that. Before I really got sober but was being pushed to go to meetings, I thought I didn’t need meetings, just sober friends. So I kept trying to make plans with people who were friendly in meetings but they only ever wanted to go to meetings! I was so confused lol
Thanks Katie. Haven't seen that show but just turned on Netflix again so I'll give it a look-see. I did hard core AA for the first few years of getting sober. And within the last month or so after several years, I've been going to both AA and on-line Recovery Dharma meetings. I was thinking, "when is the right time to go to a recovery meeting (of any kind), and the answer came, "anytime is the right time."
P.S. I totally binged on the entire Nurse Jackie show after your last post. Wow....pills were not my substance of choice but underneath it all I saw the underlying behaviors with a whole new sense of clarity. Thanks
If you watch, let me know what you think. I'm so glad you liked Nurse Jackie. Pills weren't a big part of my story either, but it's fascinating how many of the behaviors track with other addictions.
Recovery Dharma is great! I think it's a really nice complement to AA and some of the other more (potentially) rigid programs.
This is so incredibly timely. For me, I don't associate the reasons I did shitty things with drinking. I drank for many, many, many reasons, one of which was that I did shitty things I would rather not have looked at. Sure, drinking made it so very much easier and so very much more likely that I would do shitty things. It even made it so that the shitty things I did, I did even more shittily. But it wasn't WHY.
Doing steps 4 through 9 required that I be honest about that, decide to take different action, and then actually take that action. It was the most freeing thing I ever did, and I absolutely, under no circumstances, EVER, would have done it solely of my own accord, as my own idea.
That freedom alone would have been enough by far, but as a further miracle, I have discovered that the greatest gift of owning my past is the opportunity to help other people who are stuck in their actual shitty present, when it looks remarkably like my increasingly distant past.
And in this way I invite more love into my life.
Amazing.
I can relate to your post Steve. After nearly 14 years I did another amends with my youngest (who's now 31 and 2 years sober). Anyhow, I said nearly the same thing to them, in part I made some shitty decisions as a parent, some when drunk and (perhaps) just as many when sober. No excuses. Thanks for your words.
Thanks!
Oh yes, I didn’t drink because of the shitty things I did—it was largely the other way around. But from there, it was just a nightmarish chicken and egg spiral.
I absolutely agree that the benefit of a “shameful” past is the ability to use that past to help others who are struggling. It’s an incredible, almost alchemical transformation from shame to usefulness and compassion.
I love when you cover my favorite TV shows and movies, but I REALLY love when you help me find a new show I think I'll love
Yay!
Thanks for this post. For quite a number if years, I didn't last at 12-Step meetings because I waa terrified of doing the Step 4 inventory. I didn't want to deal with all of the crude in my life, let alone go through it again in Step 5. I don't know how I got past that fear, but I finally worked all of the steps a dozen or so years ago. It wasn't easy to do Step 4, but I wasn't terrified. Somewhere in all of that I found a way to make some peace with my past. I wish I knew how because I would share it with anyone struggling. I think it has something to do with being able to live until (if I'm lucky) I get to see a benefit from going through the crap. But I don't know how I do that, either. (It just might be because I'm too tired to deal with it. 🙄)
I think the how doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it happened. You can be living proof without knowing the how 🩷
Damn this piece brings up a lot. I f***** up my relationship with my sweet, well-meaning first sponsor because I was looking for a friend, not a sponsor, and now she's on my latest list of amends to make. I guess we do better when we know better. Thank you for writing this piece.
I totally get that. Before I really got sober but was being pushed to go to meetings, I thought I didn’t need meetings, just sober friends. So I kept trying to make plans with people who were friendly in meetings but they only ever wanted to go to meetings! I was so confused lol
Thanks Katie. Haven't seen that show but just turned on Netflix again so I'll give it a look-see. I did hard core AA for the first few years of getting sober. And within the last month or so after several years, I've been going to both AA and on-line Recovery Dharma meetings. I was thinking, "when is the right time to go to a recovery meeting (of any kind), and the answer came, "anytime is the right time."
P.S. I totally binged on the entire Nurse Jackie show after your last post. Wow....pills were not my substance of choice but underneath it all I saw the underlying behaviors with a whole new sense of clarity. Thanks
If you watch, let me know what you think. I'm so glad you liked Nurse Jackie. Pills weren't a big part of my story either, but it's fascinating how many of the behaviors track with other addictions.
Recovery Dharma is great! I think it's a really nice complement to AA and some of the other more (potentially) rigid programs.
I so want to watch this!!
if you do, let me know what you think!!
Hi Katie, no deep comments on this post. Just wanted to say how glad I am to know you and read your stuff.