As ever, I love the clear-headedness of this. I have 12 years and it’s extremely rare nowadays for me to have any desire to drink for pleasure. But I do still sometimes get the impulse to knock myself out with alcohol, which was all I used it for by the end, compulsively, and though I don’t literally know what would happen if I drank (I can’t read the future), even the slightest chance that I might be back in that place, deliberately knocking myself out several times a day, is simply not a risk I am willing to take.
I lost the ability to control AND enjoy my drinking over 30yrs ago. I never had “just one” drink and I don’t see that happening if I drank again. Sobriety has given me a wonderful life and there’s just too much to lose. I hope your friend can “drink like a normal person” but in my experience most return to problem drinking and loss of control with time. I’d rather live my life in the 12 step program, thinking I’m an alcoholic and being wrong, then drinking and trying to prove I’m not an alcoholic 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I too deviate from the notion that alcoholics dream of normal, controlled drinking. My dream was never to be a normal drinker; my dream was to drink alcoholically without consequences. Your crumb analogy is apt. I describe trying to stop drinking once I have started to being in the middle of sex and suddenly stopping, saying "we'll pick this up in a few days "
My best friend and drinking buddy got sober 3 years before me. She helped me see my alcoholism. She also started drinking after 17 years of sobriety. She says her recovery was about depression. I believe her. I now have 33 years of sobriety, with the help of AA. She is still dealing with her depression. Who am I to judge her? I am happy and usefully whole. I am content with my life. Honestly though, when she started drinking again, I too had those thoughts. Dangerous ones. I am not immune from "stinking thinking". Thank you for reminding me.
I’ve been a similar drinker since I was 18- only socially but never drunk enough, fast enough. I’ve found myself doing an extended Dry January, and while it’s much better for my anxiety and depression I know the real reason is that it’s easier for me to have none than just one. I haven’t made an official commitment to myself to stay sober, and I often wonder what it would be like to test the waters again. Reading this means I’m adding another day. Thanks Katie.
Coincidentally I have an appointment to get an “it ain’t me, babe” tattoo this weekend so this kinda gave me chills 😁
Coming up on six years! I tried describing it to my partner. I was like it’s not about self control bc my brain isn’t even online. There’s a gut monster who’s like “find all of the alcohol. Drink it. NOW” five drinks in three months… I could never and I would never again put myself through the broken promises to myself and the self betrayal of “not tonight” and then an hour later “well maybe just one bottle”. I felt every word of this! I was depressed, traumatized, AND drinking too much. My alcohol use was not a symptom but its own very real problem.
Thank you for helping to put words to a thought process I know all too well! 🙏🏼
Thank you for this Katie. I’ll be 16 and not as active in AA as I once was. Just went to a meeting recently and thought “oh yeah I’m in such a different stage I need something else from these meetings now.” The desire to drink and use has never left. I also never drank like a normal person and on days that I think about it I know I would not stop until I was dead and that’s no good for anyone. I find sobriety like this now. In cosmic little glimpses of other people who are sober thanks for sharing.
My 1st sponsor relapsed after 9 years of sobriety, that was 10 years ago and she still hasn’t been able to put more than a few month of sobriety together. It certainly something that I think about from time to time.
I love AA. It really helped me in the beginning. I just kept coming back. I used to have a trick where if I still wanted to have a drink after a walk or after going to the movies or after doing some contrary action then I could consider having one the next day. But inevitably I always felt different when the day came. You’re doing great. Sometimes it’s just one minute one block at a time.
Thirty years clean in NA and have never lost the desire to use. I continue to be honest about it because that’s what we do. I know I’m still an addict because I see the many things over which I am powerless (Selena Gomez Oreos; certain game apps).
But where are the case study examples of those who picked up after multiple years of sobriety and were deemed normal drinkers again? Maybe an oxymoron and too rare to report? I don’t know —— maybe?
I’ve looked! It’s really hard to parse because many studies look at anyone who has alcohol use disorder whereas I was specifically looking for people who were on the severe end of that spectrum AND drank again after a prolonged period of sobriety. Very very little data
It’s a massive gap in the research- when I read studies and they describe the frequency/quantities of the participants, I’m always shocked by how low they are compared to what I see as an AOD counsellor. It’s partly because researchers screen out participants who are are high risk of an adverse event during the study (any adverse event, even one not directly related to the study conditions could shut the research project down), and participating in research requires reliability and responsiveness over a long period of time - so people who are at the very severe end of AUD are routinely excluded. I’d love to see more research with the severe/complex/high risk group, because we desperately need to improve treatment and recovery options.
I have several “former addict” friends who have gone back to using and haven’t had their lives fall apart - one after forty years. Only now his thing is a fancy cocktail recipe a day and I think “but isn’t that still obsession?”
I think about using almost every day. And I’m incredibly grateful that I stopped way before I hit a harder bottom.
This is such a profound and necessary reflection. Thank you for having the courage to speak about the 'maybe this could be you' dance that happens even after decades of sobriety.
Your realization that 'five drinks in three months sounds like hell on earth' hit me hard. It’s the perfect articulation of the difference between social drinking and the way our brains are wired. For many of us, the 'sweet spot' is a moving target that we’d chase morning, noon, and night if we let ourselves.
I also appreciate how you addressed the tangle of emotional issues and substance use. Alcohol is indeed the 'world’s biggest chaos agent'—it promises a solution for the trauma or anxiety, but only serves to obscure the self-reflection needed to actually heal.
18 years is a incredible journey, and your honesty here proves that recovery isn't about being 'fixed' or 'cured'—it's about the daily, clear-eyed choice to not let that chaos agent back into the mix. Sending you a lot of respect from across the pond!
Almost thirty years into my sobriety and every word you write resonates with me. I never drank like a normie, why would I think I’d drink like one now?
It’s when chronic illness forced me to quit that I quit. For three years. Once my body started being able to drink a cocktail from time to time (after a year of antibiotics), I started drinking from time to time, for the reason that I started: to dull my ASD-derived sensory sensitivities (I’m very late diagnosed AuDHD and alcohol use starting at age 12 was one of the ways I managed to mask my neurodivergence from myself). There are some rooms I want to be in that I physically can’t tolerate without a drink. This article has me thinking about the cost of that. I’m at a conference right now and had two meltdowns yesterday which maybe I wouldn’t have had if I had had a drink BUT maybe I just have to learn to say no to operating in allistic society because even now I pay physically for even a single drink. It’s my body saying no thank you. But this is my very long way around to saying I was really struck by the idea that there’s no underlying problem made better by a drinking problem. I think that’s true. In fact I KNOW that’s true. But the cost to me is the tool I had for more fully participating in a social and physical world not built for brains and bodies like mine.
Thank you for sharing this. A lot of us start drinking to self medicate or self soothe it’s such an understandable instinct. It’s why I always have to walk myself through the reality of (at least for me) how temporary that soothing/medication is and how quickly it becomes the illness itself, not the remedy
I used to drink to dull my anxiety and sensory overload in social situations. It just made me feel worse the next day. I’m 2 and a half years alcohol free now. I have to avoid some events to keep my sobriety, or if I have to go out, I take lots of breaks
Thank you for your post. I am coming up on 22 years, April 2. The days leading up to my anniversary are always tender. I called walking past the graveyard. Taking stock of my sobriety. Thinking of those who went back out or who I have simply lost touch with. I am changing up my meetings to meetings where people have more sobriety than me. I just want to be in the middle of the herd. As for not going to meetings; I missed a week of meetings on vacation last summer and my wife was truly unimpressed by my behavior. I know I need meetings, meditation and prayer, and the book. But I really need meetings to be around like minded people who were pulled back from the gates of Hell and placed on a chair in a church basement with mediocre coffee and the language of the heart flowing. Peace.
As ever, I love the clear-headedness of this. I have 12 years and it’s extremely rare nowadays for me to have any desire to drink for pleasure. But I do still sometimes get the impulse to knock myself out with alcohol, which was all I used it for by the end, compulsively, and though I don’t literally know what would happen if I drank (I can’t read the future), even the slightest chance that I might be back in that place, deliberately knocking myself out several times a day, is simply not a risk I am willing to take.
12 years here too, and same.
12 years as well and sammmmmmmme
I lost the ability to control AND enjoy my drinking over 30yrs ago. I never had “just one” drink and I don’t see that happening if I drank again. Sobriety has given me a wonderful life and there’s just too much to lose. I hope your friend can “drink like a normal person” but in my experience most return to problem drinking and loss of control with time. I’d rather live my life in the 12 step program, thinking I’m an alcoholic and being wrong, then drinking and trying to prove I’m not an alcoholic 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I too deviate from the notion that alcoholics dream of normal, controlled drinking. My dream was never to be a normal drinker; my dream was to drink alcoholically without consequences. Your crumb analogy is apt. I describe trying to stop drinking once I have started to being in the middle of sex and suddenly stopping, saying "we'll pick this up in a few days "
LOL yes. This is me too.
My best friend and drinking buddy got sober 3 years before me. She helped me see my alcoholism. She also started drinking after 17 years of sobriety. She says her recovery was about depression. I believe her. I now have 33 years of sobriety, with the help of AA. She is still dealing with her depression. Who am I to judge her? I am happy and usefully whole. I am content with my life. Honestly though, when she started drinking again, I too had those thoughts. Dangerous ones. I am not immune from "stinking thinking". Thank you for reminding me.
I'm coming up on one year alcohol free, and this was a great read for where I'm at in my journey. Thank you for this!
Congratulations on approaching one year!!
Congratulations!!!
thank you! I celebrated on my one year with a cookie cake :)
I’ve been a similar drinker since I was 18- only socially but never drunk enough, fast enough. I’ve found myself doing an extended Dry January, and while it’s much better for my anxiety and depression I know the real reason is that it’s easier for me to have none than just one. I haven’t made an official commitment to myself to stay sober, and I often wonder what it would be like to test the waters again. Reading this means I’m adding another day. Thanks Katie.
Coincidentally I have an appointment to get an “it ain’t me, babe” tattoo this weekend so this kinda gave me chills 😁
omg, that's wild (and a great tattoo). would love to see the finished product :)
Coming up on six years! I tried describing it to my partner. I was like it’s not about self control bc my brain isn’t even online. There’s a gut monster who’s like “find all of the alcohol. Drink it. NOW” five drinks in three months… I could never and I would never again put myself through the broken promises to myself and the self betrayal of “not tonight” and then an hour later “well maybe just one bottle”. I felt every word of this! I was depressed, traumatized, AND drinking too much. My alcohol use was not a symptom but its own very real problem.
Thank you for helping to put words to a thought process I know all too well! 🙏🏼
Thank you for this Katie. I’ll be 16 and not as active in AA as I once was. Just went to a meeting recently and thought “oh yeah I’m in such a different stage I need something else from these meetings now.” The desire to drink and use has never left. I also never drank like a normal person and on days that I think about it I know I would not stop until I was dead and that’s no good for anyone. I find sobriety like this now. In cosmic little glimpses of other people who are sober thanks for sharing.
My 1st sponsor relapsed after 9 years of sobriety, that was 10 years ago and she still hasn’t been able to put more than a few month of sobriety together. It certainly something that I think about from time to time.
Yikes. That is scary.
There by the grace of God go I
That’s fantastic, 16 years!
1 day is also fantastic if that’s all a person can do.
Staying sober is super hard for me. I feel I have to put blinkers on and just push through the day.
Thanks for telling us what’s going on with your sobriety.
I love AA. It really helped me in the beginning. I just kept coming back. I used to have a trick where if I still wanted to have a drink after a walk or after going to the movies or after doing some contrary action then I could consider having one the next day. But inevitably I always felt different when the day came. You’re doing great. Sometimes it’s just one minute one block at a time.
Thirty years clean in NA and have never lost the desire to use. I continue to be honest about it because that’s what we do. I know I’m still an addict because I see the many things over which I am powerless (Selena Gomez Oreos; certain game apps).
But where are the case study examples of those who picked up after multiple years of sobriety and were deemed normal drinkers again? Maybe an oxymoron and too rare to report? I don’t know —— maybe?
I’ve looked! It’s really hard to parse because many studies look at anyone who has alcohol use disorder whereas I was specifically looking for people who were on the severe end of that spectrum AND drank again after a prolonged period of sobriety. Very very little data
It’s a massive gap in the research- when I read studies and they describe the frequency/quantities of the participants, I’m always shocked by how low they are compared to what I see as an AOD counsellor. It’s partly because researchers screen out participants who are are high risk of an adverse event during the study (any adverse event, even one not directly related to the study conditions could shut the research project down), and participating in research requires reliability and responsiveness over a long period of time - so people who are at the very severe end of AUD are routinely excluded. I’d love to see more research with the severe/complex/high risk group, because we desperately need to improve treatment and recovery options.
yes! it seems like such crucial data to be missing!
I have several “former addict” friends who have gone back to using and haven’t had their lives fall apart - one after forty years. Only now his thing is a fancy cocktail recipe a day and I think “but isn’t that still obsession?”
I think about using almost every day. And I’m incredibly grateful that I stopped way before I hit a harder bottom.
That’s what I thought. Thank you for your note back.
I’m sober 38 years and the drink problem is simple for me. What would be better drunk ?
This is such a profound and necessary reflection. Thank you for having the courage to speak about the 'maybe this could be you' dance that happens even after decades of sobriety.
Your realization that 'five drinks in three months sounds like hell on earth' hit me hard. It’s the perfect articulation of the difference between social drinking and the way our brains are wired. For many of us, the 'sweet spot' is a moving target that we’d chase morning, noon, and night if we let ourselves.
I also appreciate how you addressed the tangle of emotional issues and substance use. Alcohol is indeed the 'world’s biggest chaos agent'—it promises a solution for the trauma or anxiety, but only serves to obscure the self-reflection needed to actually heal.
18 years is a incredible journey, and your honesty here proves that recovery isn't about being 'fixed' or 'cured'—it's about the daily, clear-eyed choice to not let that chaos agent back into the mix. Sending you a lot of respect from across the pond!
Thank you! I really appreciate your kind words.
Thank you, I really appreciate that.I write from personal experience, so it means a lot when it resonates.
Almost thirty years into my sobriety and every word you write resonates with me. I never drank like a normie, why would I think I’d drink like one now?
Great post and a lot of great comments.
It’s when chronic illness forced me to quit that I quit. For three years. Once my body started being able to drink a cocktail from time to time (after a year of antibiotics), I started drinking from time to time, for the reason that I started: to dull my ASD-derived sensory sensitivities (I’m very late diagnosed AuDHD and alcohol use starting at age 12 was one of the ways I managed to mask my neurodivergence from myself). There are some rooms I want to be in that I physically can’t tolerate without a drink. This article has me thinking about the cost of that. I’m at a conference right now and had two meltdowns yesterday which maybe I wouldn’t have had if I had had a drink BUT maybe I just have to learn to say no to operating in allistic society because even now I pay physically for even a single drink. It’s my body saying no thank you. But this is my very long way around to saying I was really struck by the idea that there’s no underlying problem made better by a drinking problem. I think that’s true. In fact I KNOW that’s true. But the cost to me is the tool I had for more fully participating in a social and physical world not built for brains and bodies like mine.
Thank you for sharing this. A lot of us start drinking to self medicate or self soothe it’s such an understandable instinct. It’s why I always have to walk myself through the reality of (at least for me) how temporary that soothing/medication is and how quickly it becomes the illness itself, not the remedy
Thank you for this - now I’ve got an image to hold in mind. (Walking myself through the reality of how the drink might well make me feel).
I used to drink to dull my anxiety and sensory overload in social situations. It just made me feel worse the next day. I’m 2 and a half years alcohol free now. I have to avoid some events to keep my sobriety, or if I have to go out, I take lots of breaks
I only wish I could hit the 'heart' button harder on this, again.
Thank you for your writing, Katie!
Thank you for your post. I am coming up on 22 years, April 2. The days leading up to my anniversary are always tender. I called walking past the graveyard. Taking stock of my sobriety. Thinking of those who went back out or who I have simply lost touch with. I am changing up my meetings to meetings where people have more sobriety than me. I just want to be in the middle of the herd. As for not going to meetings; I missed a week of meetings on vacation last summer and my wife was truly unimpressed by my behavior. I know I need meetings, meditation and prayer, and the book. But I really need meetings to be around like minded people who were pulled back from the gates of Hell and placed on a chair in a church basement with mediocre coffee and the language of the heart flowing. Peace.