Hi Sober Lady,
I was fascinated to read your article about life outside of AA. I am a self-identified alcoholic currently in AA. Despite that, I’m struggling to understand if I really am an alcoholic and what that even means. For years, alcohol was a big part of my life. I never drank during the day, took pills, or used any other substances. But my pattern involved drinking every night, usually with friends, but sometimes alone. AA is helping me understand some of the unhealthy perspectives and traits that contributed to my drinking, but I’m also hoping there will be a day when I can have a glass of wine or an occasional drink. I am wondering if that might be possible with a different program, like Recovery Dharma or another alternative. I feel that AA has been helpful for me, and I don’t want to stop the personal growth it’s helped me achieve. Should I stop going to AA? What other option might be better for me?
Sincerely,
Conflicted
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Hi Conflicted,
Thanks for the question, and congratulations on taking steps to change behavior you thought needed to change. I’m glad that you are getting something out of AA. I often say that the Program taught me how to be a person. I learned ways to reflect on my behavior (past and present) without self-flagellation or antagonism; I learned how to take accountability when I was wrong without letting other people’s opinions dictate how I felt about myself; I learned about the importance of quiet self-reflection. AA is decidedly not for everyone, but I believe there are core principles in the twelve steps that can be valuable to anyone.
I’m not sure which article you’re referring to, but it sounds like we had pretty different mindsets coming into AA, and I think it’s worth outlining those before I delve into any advice. By the time I attended my first post-rehab AA meeting, there was no doubt in my mind that I was an alcoholic (or had severe alcohol use disorder, or was addicted to alcohol, or was a drunk by any other name). I’ve never believed I could have just one drink or been able to moderate my drinking in any meaningful way. I’ve been reading through old journals recently, and it’s actually astounding how early I was aware that I used alcohol with a feverish obsession my peers never seemed to exhibit.
In other words, I was the exact type of drinker for which AA was created. While I eventually drifted away from the Program, it wasn’t because I was unsure if I “qualified” as an alcoholic or thought that I’d gained enough wisdom or willpower to, as they say in the Big Book, “drink like a normal person.”
Still, plenty of people start going to AA meetings unsure of whether they really “need” to be there and ultimately decide to stay. Plenty more know they’re addicted to alcohol and decide that AA isn’t the right place for them. Still more, like you, land somewhere in between—you wanted to change your relationship with alcohol but are not sure if that means you were actually addicted to alcohol and if AA’s lifelong abstinence approach is what you need. This is totally normal. It’s also totally normal to know you can’t drink again, but still sometimes miss it.
Unfortunately, I can’t tell you whether there will ever be a day when you can have one glass of wine and not want another, or indulge in the occasional cocktail. I can tell you that a lot of people in recovery, especially in early recovery, fantasize about that. It’s why AA talks endlessly about “one day at a time.” The idea of lifelong abstinence is daunting—even for people like me who know they can’t have just one drink. So the Program tells you to focus on just staying sober today. I’ll give you my non-AA version of that advice: Don’t worry about what you might want or need in the future; focus on what feels right for you today.
If you’re currently getting a lot out of AA meetings, I don’t see any reason why you should stop going. Fortunately, you’re not bound to any one program or approach. You can keep going to AA and also check out some Recovery Dharma meetings, hop online for virtual SMART Recovery meetings, or explore any other options. All of the resources listed here are free or low-cost. The best way to figure out what works for you is to try a bunch of different options.
Many of the options (SMART, Recovery Dharma, Lifering) encourage abstinence, but none of them are going to berate you or kick you out if you drink (this is also true of AA, but it can be a bit more intense about it). Moderation Management is another option; it focuses more on changing your relationship to alcohol as opposed to abstaining completely.
But in general, I am a fan of the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” philosophy. If you’re getting something out of AA, and the only things giving you pause are whether you “qualify” as an alcoholic, and if you can drink a glass of wine at some undetermined point in the future, I’d stick with what you’re doing. You can try other programs (like Recovery Dharma) at the same time, but there’s no reason to abandon a group that’s helping you in the meantime.
Whether you’re looking for recovery from addiction, moderating your alcohol use, or working on personal growth, it’s all a process. There will be difficult patches, breakthroughs, regression, progress, and certain approaches that work better than others. Don’t worry about labels, and try not to worry about what things might look like in the future. Just keep trying things on until you find something that fits.
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Why is it so important to drink? It can't be the taste because there are a lot of non alcoholic options that are delicious, including non alcoholic wine, beer, and even spirits these days. So it must be the feeling. Which is the absolute wrong reason to drink again, because that is why we are all here.
When I went to AA, it was so I could function in a world full of drinkers without drinking myself. I do that and its so ingrained in me now I do not miss it. But I have wondered the same thing and, while I could give it a go, I don't. Why? I have too much to lose if I do.
This is such a thoughtful, empathetic essay, Katie. Tons of alcoholics fantasize about someday enjoying a lovely glass of something. But most can’t stop at one. And the loveliness soon turns to ugliness. Thanks for writing!