Speaking from the non-addict side of this equation: a helpful prompt I was given by an Al-Anon sponsor once was “stop asking “what if they relapse?” and fill in this phrase instead: “EVEN IF they relapse, I will [fill in the blank with personal coping mechanism or a personally-fulfilling choice]…””
The point is to take the focus off the addict and their (non)actions, and to put the ball back in my court so I can focus on how I want to live my life regardless of another’s actions. This helps me get off the addict’s back, who isn’t usually helped by my worried nagging anyway.
And honestly, in my experience: the “well-meaning” nature of the nagging spoken of in this letter isn’t so much about the addict’s wellness much of the time; it reflects my own fear about how well I’ll cope (or not) with a loved one’s relapse. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, or that I can never support them; but if I can’t differentiate between my personal worry and the addict’s autonomy (including their desire for my help or their preference that I leave them alone), I’ve entered some very dubious ethical territory. That isn’t to say there aren’t boundaries I can/should establish (especially when violence is linked to a loved one’s substance use), but to be clear that those boundaries pertain to what I myself will tolerate and do for myself in light of a breach (not a demand towards another about how they must act).
The kind of nagging spoken of in this post is often some version of “I don’t trust your sobriety journey because it looks sketch to me; I know what you need more than you do.” Which is… disrespectful at best, and unethical / degrading at worst. Sober-saviorism can be its own form of addiction in the non-addicts surrounding an alcoholic.
Also, yes to that scene in Parks & Rec being the best.
Looks like a lot of great responses already posted!
We've talked about this in Smart Recovery meetings, which i might suggest as an alternative to 12 steps. Or an addition, whatever!
But one friend has come far enough in his recovery to, yes, empathize with the motivation behind the questions but also applies the same question to his partner. Not for an addiction but really just in the sense of learning how they handle life stuff.
And when it gets down to it, I think drugs and alcohol are only the great danger signs of not learning to handle life, something everyone needs to discover themselves.
Really cool to hear it’s shared in Smart Recovery! I don’t know that process well at all but know it’s worked for many and am glad there are other options for folks who don’t feel well supported in 12 Step. And yes, the questions spoken of in this post are very understandable, and it’s amazing when addicts can empathize with them. Perhaps in the vein of your last phrase, just like addiction signifies a challenge with handling life (which is, you know, no easy feat), I think worry can sometimes be a similar thing for non-addicts. I suppose we’re all (re)learning how to handle things better, but from different starting points.
Folks faced with a loved one in recovery are on a learning curve, just as the recovering person is. Oftentimes friends and family won't have any experience with the 'process' and are figuring it out simultaneously with the person in recovery. I liken it to LGBT people coming out to their family and needing to find the patience somehow to let the necessary adjustments to their thinking happen. It does place a burden on the individual, to have patience, to put up with weird or offputting or even offensive questions, but for me at least it became part of my recovery. Helped me get out of my own head and look empathetically at others around me.
You capture the strange bind of being cared about and scrutinized at the same time. The minibar story says so much about how love and control can get tangled, even when everyone has good intentions. I like the emphasis on giving loved ones something concrete to do instead of just asking them to back off.
Speaking from the non-addict side of this equation: a helpful prompt I was given by an Al-Anon sponsor once was “stop asking “what if they relapse?” and fill in this phrase instead: “EVEN IF they relapse, I will [fill in the blank with personal coping mechanism or a personally-fulfilling choice]…””
The point is to take the focus off the addict and their (non)actions, and to put the ball back in my court so I can focus on how I want to live my life regardless of another’s actions. This helps me get off the addict’s back, who isn’t usually helped by my worried nagging anyway.
And honestly, in my experience: the “well-meaning” nature of the nagging spoken of in this letter isn’t so much about the addict’s wellness much of the time; it reflects my own fear about how well I’ll cope (or not) with a loved one’s relapse. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about them, or that I can never support them; but if I can’t differentiate between my personal worry and the addict’s autonomy (including their desire for my help or their preference that I leave them alone), I’ve entered some very dubious ethical territory. That isn’t to say there aren’t boundaries I can/should establish (especially when violence is linked to a loved one’s substance use), but to be clear that those boundaries pertain to what I myself will tolerate and do for myself in light of a breach (not a demand towards another about how they must act).
The kind of nagging spoken of in this post is often some version of “I don’t trust your sobriety journey because it looks sketch to me; I know what you need more than you do.” Which is… disrespectful at best, and unethical / degrading at worst. Sober-saviorism can be its own form of addiction in the non-addicts surrounding an alcoholic.
Also, yes to that scene in Parks & Rec being the best.
Looks like a lot of great responses already posted!
We've talked about this in Smart Recovery meetings, which i might suggest as an alternative to 12 steps. Or an addition, whatever!
But one friend has come far enough in his recovery to, yes, empathize with the motivation behind the questions but also applies the same question to his partner. Not for an addiction but really just in the sense of learning how they handle life stuff.
And when it gets down to it, I think drugs and alcohol are only the great danger signs of not learning to handle life, something everyone needs to discover themselves.
Really cool to hear it’s shared in Smart Recovery! I don’t know that process well at all but know it’s worked for many and am glad there are other options for folks who don’t feel well supported in 12 Step. And yes, the questions spoken of in this post are very understandable, and it’s amazing when addicts can empathize with them. Perhaps in the vein of your last phrase, just like addiction signifies a challenge with handling life (which is, you know, no easy feat), I think worry can sometimes be a similar thing for non-addicts. I suppose we’re all (re)learning how to handle things better, but from different starting points.
Folks faced with a loved one in recovery are on a learning curve, just as the recovering person is. Oftentimes friends and family won't have any experience with the 'process' and are figuring it out simultaneously with the person in recovery. I liken it to LGBT people coming out to their family and needing to find the patience somehow to let the necessary adjustments to their thinking happen. It does place a burden on the individual, to have patience, to put up with weird or offputting or even offensive questions, but for me at least it became part of my recovery. Helped me get out of my own head and look empathetically at others around me.
You capture the strange bind of being cared about and scrutinized at the same time. The minibar story says so much about how love and control can get tangled, even when everyone has good intentions. I like the emphasis on giving loved ones something concrete to do instead of just asking them to back off.