“I write it to better understand different experiences of recovery, including my own, and to (hopefully) help others feel better understood.”
That intention is deeply generous. Writing like that turns personal healing into a quiet hand extended to others, saying you’re not alone, and your story makes sense.
The best recovery mentors I know say something like, "recovery doesn't shield us from suffering, intensity, or hardship; it gives us tools to weather them better, one day at a time, as they arise (which they inevitably will)." Your post reminded me of that.
My most frequent and intense drinking dreams came between 9 months and 1 year into my recovery. I’ve had them sporadically over the years, the worst of which I woke up from sweaty, heart racing, completely crushed that I blew my sobriety. Your last sentence completely crushed it! One day at a time is all we have; as a sober biker friend of mine says: “don’t drink no matter what.”
This was timely for me. I recently returned to performing live music after taking some time off (which coincided with getting sober).
The night after my show I had a gnarly relapse dream. Upon waking, It took me a bit of time to shake off the feelings of shame and disappointment and settle back into my sober reality. Surely a purpose is served by remembering the chaos fueler that rode my shoulders all throughout my drinking, but it was both humbling and frightening to be transported back.
The inkling that I’m not so far from my former habits is disconcerting and maybe a little triggering as it taps into the distrust (something else you mentioned) I had in myself as a drinker. Even as I am finding myself surprised by my increasing ability (and desire) to stay grounded during “the worst” that life has continued to lay in my path, I suppose the relapse dream is a helpful reminder of what I’d actually be gaining if I picked up my Old Oblivion. I don’t want it (but I do?).
I’m glad it resonated! And yeah, drinking/using dreams are always unsettling. But I think that’s better than waking up with some false, romanticized notion of what picking up again would be like. Congrats on your sobriety!
My takeaway from having using dreams or thoughts is that they are just that: intangibles that our brain serves up sporadically, being the fun little imp that it is!
More seriously, I take them now seeing that they are phantoms not to be confused with reality, whatever the hell that is.
The current gift I have is to now observe such things for what they are, or are not, and focus on developing and living a personal philosophy based on introspection and a humble and optimistic approach to life.
Whew, what a ramble. Testament to your posts resonating with me!
Oh, and your sobriety can now buy porn along with beer and smokes. 🤭
thank you so much; i appreciate your thoughts and don't find them rambling at all. (i thought about including porn in the headline but i thought email censors might think it was spam lol)
“I write it to better understand different experiences of recovery, including my own, and to (hopefully) help others feel better understood.”
That intention is deeply generous. Writing like that turns personal healing into a quiet hand extended to others, saying you’re not alone, and your story makes sense.
Thank you, that’s so kind of you to say.
Great post, Katie! 35 years sober, I can relate to a lot of this.
Thank you, Jackie ❤️
The best recovery mentors I know say something like, "recovery doesn't shield us from suffering, intensity, or hardship; it gives us tools to weather them better, one day at a time, as they arise (which they inevitably will)." Your post reminded me of that.
Oh, and happy "soberthday"!
absolutely true. and thank you!
My most frequent and intense drinking dreams came between 9 months and 1 year into my recovery. I’ve had them sporadically over the years, the worst of which I woke up from sweaty, heart racing, completely crushed that I blew my sobriety. Your last sentence completely crushed it! One day at a time is all we have; as a sober biker friend of mine says: “don’t drink no matter what.”
Happy (almost) birthday! Thanks for keeping it real. Glad I found you.
Thank you (I’m glad you did, too!)
This was timely for me. I recently returned to performing live music after taking some time off (which coincided with getting sober).
The night after my show I had a gnarly relapse dream. Upon waking, It took me a bit of time to shake off the feelings of shame and disappointment and settle back into my sober reality. Surely a purpose is served by remembering the chaos fueler that rode my shoulders all throughout my drinking, but it was both humbling and frightening to be transported back.
The inkling that I’m not so far from my former habits is disconcerting and maybe a little triggering as it taps into the distrust (something else you mentioned) I had in myself as a drinker. Even as I am finding myself surprised by my increasing ability (and desire) to stay grounded during “the worst” that life has continued to lay in my path, I suppose the relapse dream is a helpful reminder of what I’d actually be gaining if I picked up my Old Oblivion. I don’t want it (but I do?).
Anyway, I appreciated reading this today.
I’m glad it resonated! And yeah, drinking/using dreams are always unsettling. But I think that’s better than waking up with some false, romanticized notion of what picking up again would be like. Congrats on your sobriety!
Another great post!
My takeaway from having using dreams or thoughts is that they are just that: intangibles that our brain serves up sporadically, being the fun little imp that it is!
More seriously, I take them now seeing that they are phantoms not to be confused with reality, whatever the hell that is.
The current gift I have is to now observe such things for what they are, or are not, and focus on developing and living a personal philosophy based on introspection and a humble and optimistic approach to life.
Whew, what a ramble. Testament to your posts resonating with me!
Oh, and your sobriety can now buy porn along with beer and smokes. 🤭
thank you so much; i appreciate your thoughts and don't find them rambling at all. (i thought about including porn in the headline but i thought email censors might think it was spam lol)
Thank you; I really appreciate that!
Absolutely!