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Dear Sober Lady,
I’m not a Sober Lady, but my live-in boyfriend is a Sober Gentleman and has been for 6 years. I knew he was sober getting into this relationship — he mentioned on our first date that I’m getting both him and his addiction—but he’s become very secure in his sobriety in recent years and has never relapsed.
I don’t drink very often, but when I do, I tend to make it count and go pretty hard. My boyfriend has repeatedly reassured me that he doesn’t care or mind, and I adhere strictly to our ground rules: no booze in the house and no events (we’d both be attending) at bars. However, I've noticed lately that he seems annoyed when I come home drunk from a night with college friends or coworkers. He still reassures me and says I shouldn’t skimp on my social life because of him, but I don’t want to cause him to snap while trying to bend over backward for me.
Should I cut back? Should I respect what he’s saying? Am I overthinking this?
Respectfully,
Boozer Boo
Hi BB,
It’s very kind of you to be so concerned about your partner’s comfort and be so committed to helping him maintain his sobriety. As you might expect, I empathize with your boyfriend; it can be a tough position: on one hand you’re aware that your addiction is your problem and no one else’s; on the other hand, when your life is intertwined with someone like a live-in partner, the lines between their boundaries and your autonomy can get blurry fast.
It’s great that you guys have ground rules and are sticking to them. If I had to guess, and that’s all this is—a guess, I would say that your boyfriend probably is a little annoyed when you come home drunk; I don’t necessarily think that means you should change your behavior. In sobriety, there are lots of things that I say I’m ok with—being around drunk people or going to a birthday party at a bar—because I am, to a point. I can be perfectly happy, sober, and serene until something (or nothing) happens, and all of a sudden my blood pressure spikes or I’m otherwise irritated. That is my problem and no one else’s.
In these scenarios, it’s on me to handle my emotions. I can either leave, articulate my discomfort, take a break from the festivities, or any number of other things. If I decide after the fact that I can’t hang out at bars anymore, or can only do so for a certain number of hours, that’s something my partner and I can discuss. It may mean he goes to certain events without me, or it may mean we decide to leave together relatively early in the evening.
Part of recovery is being able to articulate what you need to maintain your recovery, even if disclosing that information is uncomfortable. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’m comfortable with beer and wine in the house, but not hard alcohol; truthfully, I often feel guilty about it. My partner would like to have a nice bottle of whiskey in the house, and I would love for him to be able to do that. But the risk to me simply outweighs the potential reward for him, and he understands that. Seventeen years after I took my last drink, I still don’t feel safe with hard alcohol in the house. I work from home, so I’m here alone all day. Knowing there’s a bottle of liquor tucked away somewhere is not something that needs to be floating around my brain.
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Every person in recovery has their own lines. They’re not always logical—often it’s figured out through trial, error, and gut instinct. Your boyfriend has said what he is and isn’t comfortable with, and respecting that means trusting that he’ll tell you if that changes.
Your boyfriend might think you’re incredibly annoying when you’re drunk, but maybe it doesn’t happen often enough for him to ask you to change anything. Maybe he’s done his calculations and decided it’s more important for you to have your sporadic wild nights than it is for him to be comfortable with your behavior every minute of every day. That would be an entirely reasonable conclusion.
I have one caveat: if you’ve asked him about his reaction when you’re still wasted, it’s worth a sober conversation to see if he says the same thing in the morning. There’s a difference between “It’s fine, you sloppy drunk you, go to bed,” and “it’s not my favorite thing, but it’s more important to me that you have fun with your friends.” You can also tell him that—should his comfort level change—you’re very happy to accommodate what he needs.
But changing your behavior because you think he’s feeling something other than what he’s saying isn’t the move. Recovery is personal, and it never feels great to have someone assume they know what you need and then act on it without talking to you first. Even when it’s done with the best intentions, it can feel infantilizing. Communication is just as important in recovery as it is in relationships; if he has a problem with your alcohol use, it’s on him to find the words to articulate it, especially if you’re directly asking him about it.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
What an excellent point about *when* she brings it up. Sometimes we forget how hard it is to be taken seriously when we’re drunk.
Such great advice that can be applied generally to any boundary issue that comes up in a relationship