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Hi Katie,
Love the column! I have a question for you because I *think* at some point you mentioned going to AA meetings and no longer going to them.
I’m 2 years sober and very happy blah blah blah. AA has been super important to me: I got a sponsor, I got past the “higher power” stumbling block, I worked all the steps, I’m making amends and hoping to sponsor other men, etc. I have a full-time job and young kids but I still try to go to at least one AA meeting a week. At these meetings as I’m sure you know you hear a *lot* of people who come in and say some variation of, “I thought my sobriety was rock-solid so I stopped going to meetings, and after a while I thought I could drink normally and I tried it, and I relapsed and wrecked my life. Now I’m back going to meetings telling people to go to more meetings.”
I don’t want to stop going to meetings. (I really like the people in my home group. Before getting into AA I didn’t realize how different groups could be.) But I know that there must be people who did leave AA and not relapse — they just don’t come back to meetings! What are you willing to share about people who decide to leave AA? What kind of other formal support can people use? What do you think of the “going to meetings to be reminded to go to more meetings” vibe some AAs give off?
Thanks for what you do!
~Life after AA?
Hey,
Congratulations on two years! You are correct; I was in AA for a long time (about 7 years) and have been out of “the rooms” for an even longer time (about 10 years).
AA was incredibly important to me in the early years, and it might sound weird, but it remains important to me even though I don’t go anymore. I’m so glad you’ve found a group you like—that’s what can make or break a person’s experience in the Program.
I’ve heard countless versions of the story you described—and I know people who had the same experience: They stopped going to meetings, started thinking they could drink in moderation, and ended up back in AA, convinced that they need to attend meetings to stay sober. That may well be true for that person, and there’s nothing wrong with it—it’s literally why AA exists.
But there’s also a narrative in many AA groups that anyone who stops going to meetings will necessarily relapse. Like all things in recovery, that’s not true for everyone. It wasn’t true for me.
I went to my home group five days a week for 5 years. It was a small 7 am meeting. When a new work schedule conflicted with the meeting, I switched to a large speaker meeting in the evenings; I went to that group once a week for about two years.
My decision to stop going was gradual; it wasn’t even a deliberate decision—first, I started skipping a meeting here and there. Then, some of the internal politics of the group started to annoy me; dogmatic interpretations of the Program were exasperating and tedious. The politics and dogma were always there to some extent, but as I became more comfortable in sobriety, they became distracting in a way they weren’t when I needed AA’s support to stay sober.
It’s important to note that I didn’t stop going to AA because I thought I had “beaten” my alcohol addiction. Even when I wasn’t going to meetings, I always knew that if I started to struggle or question my sobriety, I could go back. One of the blessings of being, as AA would say, a “low-bottom drunk” was the certainty that if I picked up a drink again, I’d end up back where I started. I’ve never wished I could limit myself to one or two drinks. Someone who only ever wants to drink to excess will likely never be happy drinking in moderation.
For me, that part was crucial. If picking up a drink ever seems like it won’t end in a secret booze closet, I know I need to change something ASAP. Whether that’s going back to AA, finding an alternative program, or letting my therapist and psychiatrist know, it’s an undeniable sign that something is wrong.
Some say AA brainwashes people into believing that they’ll never drink moderately again, but for me, the evidence came from the fact that I’d never consumed alcohol in moderation in the first place. Every part of my drinking history screamed at me that excessively was the only way I was interested in using alcohol; the 12 steps simply gave me something to do with that information, which, again, was especially valuable in the early years. (Because what am I going to do? Spend my days not secretly drinking? Like a psychopath??) It also gave me a supportive community, the importance of which can’t be overstated.
You asked what I’m willing to share about people who decide to leave AA. Motivation is a big part of the equation here, so it’s useful to outline why people leave.
Some people decide that they need help with their alcohol use, but they’re simply not comfortable with many parts of AA’s program (as you alluded to, the Higher Power stuff can be a particularly big stumbling block). Or maybe they don’t like the group's vibe, and it colors their impression of AA as a whole. Hopefully, these people will find alternatives to AA, including SMART Recovery or LifeRing Secular Recovery, medications like naltrexone, or working with a therapist. The important part is knowing you need support and trying different options until you find something that helps.
Others hang out in AA for a while but ultimately decide their alcohol use “isn’t as bad” as the stories they hear from other members and decide that they don’t need help with their alcohol use after all. It’s an understandable conclusion—people with fairly severe alcohol addiction created AA; in my experience, people who are seriously addicted to alcohol tend to connect with AA the most. While there are plenty of people in AA whose alcohol use didn’t rise to such an extreme level, it’s easy to get the impression that AA members are all people who at one time used alcohol compulsively and excessively.
As a general rule of thumb, I hope people in this category find a doctor or therapist with whom they can talk about their alcohol use and what might be driving it. Unless they’re court-ordered to be there, people don’t generally spend much time in AA meetings unless they resonate with at least some of the experiences shared by the other members. A therapist can help identify underlying issues that may contribute to a person’s drinking, and a psychiatrist can discuss potential medications that may help.
What questions do you have about substance use and recovery? What topics would you like me to address in the newsletter? Let me know.
Some people think that being in AA and being an alcoholic are one and the same—that if they can stay sober for any length of time without the former, they must not be the latter. That could be true for some people, but it’s not inherently so. Something made them feel like they needed help with their alcohol use and identify with a room full of people who have been addicted to alcohol. It’s worth figuring out what that something is before cutting ties with an existing support system.
Finally, there is a wide variety of people in the category I fall into: I identify as an alcoholic but no longer attend AA. Here is where I think the mindset is really important. The riskiest mindset, in my opinion, is AA has taught me what I need to do to stay sober; I don’t need help anymore and never will again; I’ve got it all figured out.
Anyone who has identified as an alcoholic and believes they will never need support again is—to use a technical term—in a Big-Time Danger Zone. It would be like a person with depression making it through a depressive episode to come out on the other side, certain that they will never again need the medication, therapy, or tools that helped them through the first time. It’s possible, but an unnecessarily risky bet.
When I stopped going to AA, I had other supports in place. I was taking antidepressants, working with a therapist, and reading and writing about addiction. I still do those things. The therapy and antidepressants help my brain from spiraling into places that might be too dark or delusional, and reading and writing about addiction helps me understand and stay connected to people who are either in recovery or trying to find their way there.
This is a long way of saying, yes, there is absolutely life after AA. But I also wouldn’t let go of what’s working for you now. If that changes and you feel like AA isn’t the place for you anymore, I would strongly suggest finding additional support before leaving.
As for the people in AA who give off the “go to meetings to be reminded to go to more meetings” vibe, the great thing about AA is that everyone gets to share what worked for them. Annoyingly, that can come with the attitude that their experience is a universal truth that applies to all people in recovery. In those cases, I try just to be happy they figured out what worked for them and—to tweak a phrase in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, “Don’t take it too damn seriously.”
Send questions and feedback to askasoberlady@gmail.com. By sending a question, you agree to let me reprint it in the newsletter with your name redacted or changed. Emails may be edited for length or clarity.
I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
I tried AA when I first quit, but it was full of predators, men 8 hours sober looking for a damaged female to manipulate. I stopped going. As an atheist, it was also hard to constantly be told that I had to believe in fake shit to get sober. I bare-knuckled it & had no support, not even from family. It’s wonderful that there are now meetings for females only & for atheists. The old days of AA were dangerous for women & unwelcoming to non-believers. I still celebrate every “birthday” alone & buy my own chips. My sobriety is an internal thing. It had to be. Each person needs to figure out what sobriety means to them & not be cowed to self-judgement for not following a particular protocol or path. 30 years sober.
I found this article and all the comments really interesting. I appreciate AA and my sponsor for my first year of sobriety, but I stayed on another 4 years trying to fit in and always feeling like an outsider. I finally figured out that a lot of these people are sick too. They found something that worked for them, and in my small city, it was very cliquey, and I just never found a group of people that welcomed me (and believe me, I tried!). In fact, there were some women with long-time sobriety and a strong standing in AA that were just mean girls (well, women, since they were in the 50s and 60s). At 6 years sober, I no longer go to meetings and have found a variety of other supports (Dharma Recovery, therapy, creative pursuits, meditation) and when I look back on years 2-5 in AA, I'm surprised I stayed sober. I felt so terrible about not fitting in anywhere - even in this place with other alcoholics - that I assumed there was something very very wrong with me as a human being. Now that I have some distance, I just realize it was never a good fit. I didn't fit in because I like to think for myself, I don't toe the party line, I am an atheist, and life has never been better now that I have customized my own program. I never bought into the trope that you will slip if you stop going to meetings (I think most of the people who say that have just replaced addiction to alcohol with addiction to other people's trauma and a desire for power, even though it's just power over a bunch of drunks!) but that's me. The most important thing is that AA is a starting point and I am grateful for it, but as they say, look things in the face and see them for what they are. AA is one-size-fits-all, so if a little voice inside you is telling you that something's not quite right, LISTEN TO IT, take the parts of the program that work for you, and leave the rest. I've never been happier since doing exactly that!