Hey readers, I apologize that this is a day late; my very old dog had a couple of rough nights, and it threw things off track. She seems to be doing better, and next week’s newsletter should go out on Thursday as usual.
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Hi Sober Lady,
I became a big fan of your work on addiction while my brother was suffering from an alcohol use disorder and while I was beginning my journey of getting clean off of cocaine (4 years 2 months now!), and I imagine most of the people who are reading or writing in are already sober or have a family member that is getting sober. However, the strangest thing has happened while reading you over the past few months: I realized I probably need to quit drinking.
The problem (besides the alcohol) is that I don’t want to quit drinking yet, and AASL tells me that’s key to success. The other problem is that I don’t really know where to start. I’m starting to wonder if one of the reasons I don’t want to quit drinking yet is because I don’t have a plan in my head, which makes it easier to just say screw it let’s have some shots. I tried an N.A. meeting during Covid when trying to quit cocaine, but it was overwhelming and not for me. Should I expect the same from an AA meeting? Are there other first steps? How would you help someone game-plan the beginning of their sobriety if they are not actively in crisis? Has putting it off ever worked out for anyone in history ever?
Best,
Second First Rodeo
Hi Second First Rodeo,
Thank you for the kind words and congratulations on *four years and two months* of being free from cocaine! That’s an enormous accomplishment, and I hope you recognize and celebrate it as such.
Needing to quit drinking and wanting to quit drinking may not be as different as you think. When I was discharged from the Psych Ward in Chicago in 2008, I was immediately shuttled onto a plane bound for San Francisco. At SFO, my parents shuttled me into a car and drove me directly to rehab. My parents had learned that if they gave an inch, I would take about 50 miles. They were not going to give me a chance to go home or stop anywhere I could procure alcohol. They were operating on Monopoly jail rules: Go to rehab, go directly to rehab; drive right past the Quik Stop and don’t even think about looking for an ATM.
The first question the intake staff asked me at rehab was if I wanted to be there. They made it clear that I would not be admitted if I didn’t want to quit drinking. I didn’t know how to answer. It had all happened so quickly, and I couldn’t honestly say that I wanted to stop. So I told them the truth: I didn’t want to be there, but I thought I needed to be there. That was good enough for them, and for good reason. Simply recognizing the need is a great place to start.
So, let’s make a plan! The first thing I’d suggest is writing down why you think you need to quit drinking. There’s a reason you realized you probably need to quit drinking, and it’s not just this newsletter. Get specific about what those reasons are. For example, if I decide I need to stop doomscrolling on my phone before bed, I’ve likely come to that conclusion because I’ve been having trouble falling asleep, am having nightmares, going to bed feeling overwhelmed and helpless, waking up groggy, etc.
Next to each of those reasons, write down how you think quitting drinking will help. It’s going to feel a little redundant, but I think it’s worth it. Take my doomscrolling example: it’s not just that I’m having trouble falling asleep or having nightmares—I want to have an easier time falling asleep and would like to have fewer nightmares.
Again, it may seem like writing down both is overkill, but I don’t think it is. In my experience, it’s easier to identify problems than solutions. Outlining why you think you need to quit drinking may come more easily than identifying the benefits that may result.
The need-to-want pipeline
First, there are the reasons you believe you need to quit; then there are the things that you want that quitting alcohol can help you achieve. (I’m using “things” loosely here—they can be specific goals, shifts in mental and physical health, relationships with others, etc.)
What questions do you have about substance use and recovery? What topics would you like me to address in the newsletter?
I talk a lot about the importance of wanting to quit drinking, but that desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. When people say they want to quit alcohol, what they typically mean is that there are things that they want more than alcohol, (“things” here can be mental or physical health, career goals, improved relationships, or anything else) and they’ve come to the realization that they’re unlikely to get those things if they continue drinking. In other words, you don’t have to want to quit booze, but it helps if there are things you want more than booze. That’s your motivation.
Figuring this out may take a minute, and that’s ok. Even if there are things that you simply want to want more than alcohol, that’s a good start. All of this is about becoming aware of what’s behind your alcohol use, drilling down on why you think you need to stop, and finding what will drive you forward on that journey.
Look for patterns
Next, reflect on your drinking habits. When do you find yourself drinking more than you wanted, expected, or planned to? Do you notice any patterns? Were you bored, angry, or sad? Were you always with the same people or at certain places? If so, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should avoid these people, places, or emotions; simply that you should be aware of them as potential triggers and take a minute to think about how you might handle them in the future.
Speaking of which, have you told your friends and family that you think you need to quit drinking? You certainly don’t have to (and I get how enormous and terrifying that disclosure can feel), but it does help if the people in your life are aware of what you need. They’re probably not going to suggest alternatives to meeting up at a bar if they don’t have a reason to.
Whether or not you confide in your friends and family, I strongly recommend discussing the issue with your doctor. Medications to help reduce alcohol use can be a godsend for some people—in particular, naltrexone has been proven to reduce alcohol cravings (as well as alcohol consumption) and typically has very few side effects. Although it existed when I got sober, I never spoke to my doctor about it because I wasn’t ready to admit that I needed help. I wish I had.
Programs
As for AA/NA: I’ve never been to an NA meeting, so I can’t speak from personal experience about the difference. I know they’re built on the same 12-step foundation, and that some people prefer AA over NA or vice versa. Given that even AA meetings can be vastly different from one another, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that your experience with AA will be the same as it was in NA. That said, if you didn’t connect with the underlying structure/philosophy of NA, you might be better served by trying a program like SMART Recovery or LifeRing, which aren’t based on the 12 steps.
SMART Recovery and LifeRing are both free and have online options. If you’re looking for a plan to help you quit drinking, trying one of these programs is a worthwhile endeavor. They can help you come up with strategies for identifying and dealing with triggering situations, help with coping skills, and, in general, connect you with other people who are trying to make the same changes in their lives as you are.
As for your last question about whether “putting it off has ever worked out for anyone,” all I can say is maybe. But I don’t want you to have to wait that long. You’ve already come so far by quitting cocaine; there’s no doubt in my mind that you can do the same with alcohol. If now is when you realized that you need to quit drinking, then now is the best time to start. It’s a process. Be kind to yourself and know that it won’t necessarily be linear. That’s normal. What matters is that you’re willing to try. I’m certain that under the need you’re feeling are some very real wants; by addressing your alcohol use, you’re giving yourself the best possible shot of making those desires a reality.
Send questions and feedback to askasoberlady@gmail.com. By sending a question, you agree to let me reprint it in the newsletter with your name redacted or changed. Emails may be edited for length or clarity.
I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
I've been sober since 1991. Drinking rarely crosses my mind. But I struggle with eating sweets, which, to me, is a similar use of a substance to change how I feel. I'm in the same place as your questioner- I know I need to stop, just don't want to- so these questions are helpful for me. I'll keep you posted.❤️
What a beautiful and useful response this is. I’m in that place where I want and need to give up alcohol and I’m trying to properly face it and do something about it. It’s so up and down but reading your post felt very nourishing. Thank you