culturally we struggle to articulate how there is a whole ecosystem that surrounds our relative, and it’s deeply dysfunctional, even if we mean well. this dysfunction shows up in multiple ways. our own emotional issues compliment/enable our loved ones drinking (and at least in my family, their drinking is a direct result of unaddressed anxiety). it’s really hard to deconstruct this when your other relatives are not on board, and cannot articulate (to even themselves) how they participate in this dynamic.
sometimes it feels like you are all chained to the same groundhog day, but not everyone realises that we are treading the same waters, which feels like it’s making things worse. and for me, when the others refuse the acknowledge what is happening (again), the doom i feel is immense and overwhelming, I am totally sucked back in how I felt back then. The other week my aunty kept on emphasising “focus on what you can control” and I just didn’t know how to explain to her that none of it was ever in my control. so i focused on the little bits of “agency” i did have, just so I wouldn’t lose my mind. and that coping mechanism taught me co dependence.
This really resonates because of my lifelong tendancy to want to solve others' problems instead of my own. I need to keep the focus on myself, even though that still sounds to my ears like I'm being selfish. I'm finally giving myself permission to be selfish, and that's a good thing. Thank you for this!
Thanks for this conversation. I, too, have found what I needed in Al-Anon, things like serenity, community and spiritual fitness. In high school while I was doing homework at the kitchen table, I was counting the number of times my father came into the kitchen to fill his glass with ice and whisky. He was self-medicating PTSD suffered when he was severely wounded in WW II. Before he died, I found compassion and made peace with him, thanks to recovery.
Hi Katie - good discussion. May I share a few paragraphs of it in an email to my Women For Sobriety meeting this weekend? We are on the WFS statement re emotional and spiritual growth, and I just happen to be focusing on how we need to know/feel we belong to something bigger than ourselves and that we need to feel we, our lives, matter. This discussion is spot on! 🙏🏼
culturally we struggle to articulate how there is a whole ecosystem that surrounds our relative, and it’s deeply dysfunctional, even if we mean well. this dysfunction shows up in multiple ways. our own emotional issues compliment/enable our loved ones drinking (and at least in my family, their drinking is a direct result of unaddressed anxiety). it’s really hard to deconstruct this when your other relatives are not on board, and cannot articulate (to even themselves) how they participate in this dynamic.
sometimes it feels like you are all chained to the same groundhog day, but not everyone realises that we are treading the same waters, which feels like it’s making things worse. and for me, when the others refuse the acknowledge what is happening (again), the doom i feel is immense and overwhelming, I am totally sucked back in how I felt back then. The other week my aunty kept on emphasising “focus on what you can control” and I just didn’t know how to explain to her that none of it was ever in my control. so i focused on the little bits of “agency” i did have, just so I wouldn’t lose my mind. and that coping mechanism taught me co dependence.
This really resonates because of my lifelong tendancy to want to solve others' problems instead of my own. I need to keep the focus on myself, even though that still sounds to my ears like I'm being selfish. I'm finally giving myself permission to be selfish, and that's a good thing. Thank you for this!
Thanks for this conversation. I, too, have found what I needed in Al-Anon, things like serenity, community and spiritual fitness. In high school while I was doing homework at the kitchen table, I was counting the number of times my father came into the kitchen to fill his glass with ice and whisky. He was self-medicating PTSD suffered when he was severely wounded in WW II. Before he died, I found compassion and made peace with him, thanks to recovery.
I wish only good luck for this young woman. But I feel comforted by hearing that she has made those difficult steps of introspection.
No answers maybe, but true growth certainly.
Hi Katie - good discussion. May I share a few paragraphs of it in an email to my Women For Sobriety meeting this weekend? We are on the WFS statement re emotional and spiritual growth, and I just happen to be focusing on how we need to know/feel we belong to something bigger than ourselves and that we need to feel we, our lives, matter. This discussion is spot on! 🙏🏼
Absolutely!
Gracias!