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Hi Sober Lady,

I’ve been loving the Substack so far — thanks for your empathetic yet practical advice!

I am not a Sober Lady, but I have been making a concerted effort to try to cut down on my booze intake since early Covid. The problem is that since lockdown, it seems like everything — especially things that didn’t involve alcohol before — are starting to heavily involve alcohol. My favorite theaters are all now bars as well, kids' theme parks are boozy, arcades are boozy, and in my own group of friends, there has never been more alcohol during meals than since college.

I’m in no way a scold, but how do you handle socializing in a world doused with alcohol, especially when you’re newly experimenting with drinking less?

Thanks!

Cactus in a Wet, Wet World

Hi Cactus,

Thank you for the question—it’s one I can relate to. For all the talk about people being ‘sober curious’ and the proliferation of mocktails, we still live in an alcohol-saturated culture; lots of people consume alcohol, and there’s plenty of money to be made by selling it. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been out somewhere, and there’s a billion-page cocktail/wine menu with one tiny corner of one page reserved for nonalcoholic options. We do not live in a world where alcohol is easily avoidable.

This wet, wet world makes it all the more commendable that you’re trying to cut back on booze—so often, we ignore what’s best for ourselves because it feels easier than making a change. That said, what does cutting back look like for you? Is it a certain number of drinks? Beer vs. liquor? Is there a distinction between weekends and weeknights?

The more specific you can get about your goal, the more likely you are to achieve it. “Cutting back” is vague, and the definition might change depending on any number of factors — including how many drinks you’ve already had — liable to change between your first and second drink. You still get to make the rules, but I’d strongly suggest specifying them ahead of time instead of on the fly.

Once you’ve figured out exactly what “cutting back” looks like for you, I’d share that information with your loved ones. As much as it’s helpful to have a plethora of alcohol-free places to socialize, it can be even more helpful if your friends (and other loved ones) know that you’re trying to drink less.

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It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but next time they suggest meeting somewhere that’s particularly alcohol friendly, let them know that you’re trying to cut back on drinking. You can suggest going somewhere else or—if they’re dead set on going to boozapalooza—ask them to help you stick to 1-2 drinks or whatever your goal is. I don’t think you have to worry about sounding like “a scold” as long as you clarify that this is a personal thing you’re trying and you have no intention of getting in the way of anyone else’s good time. You may find that you’re not alone in wanting to drink less and have an ally in finding places where that’s easier to accomplish (or at the very least, another person in a boozy place who isn’t going buck wild).

There’s a common misconception in recovery that friends who drink a lot are necessarily friends who want you to drink a lot, but that hasn’t always been my experience. Most of my friends are not sober, and they’ve generally been overly considerate when it comes to my sobriety, especially in the early years when I was still figuring out what sobriety meant for my social life.

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Of course, there is the possibility that your family and friends are less cool about it than one would hope. Annoyingly, there may be people who feel like your decision to cut back is a referendum on their drinking. Whether that’s because the person is struggling with their own alcohol use and not quite ready to address it or is just kind of a narcissist, it can be a real bummer. It’s up to you whether or not you want to spend time convincing the person that this truly is a you thing and not a them thing, but it’s important to remember that, at the end of the day, it’s not your problem. In addition to being able to drink legally, one of the great things about being an adult is realizing that you get to make your own decisions, and everybody else gets to make theirs.

A lot of this will be trial and error and that’s okay. You may find that making really specific goals about cutting back and telling your friends so they can support you is all you need. Or, you may realize that cutting back in certain environments is too hard and you have to avoid those situations altogether. There are a million different possibilities. Try thinking about this like a scientist; only you’re investigating who and what helps your efforts to reduce your alcohol intake and who and what does not. Gather information and use what you learn to help you decide how to proceed.

Finally, you asked how I handle socializing in a world doused in booze. Truthfully, I have my limits. I can’t drink at all, which both helps and hurts in social situations. On the one hand, I don’t have to figure out how to stick to one drink or otherwise moderate my alcohol intake. That would be hard for me. On the other hand, being a sober person in a super boozy environment is not always fun. Sometimes, drunk people get on my nerves. Sometimes, I have to change my position so I’m not staring at a dazzling array of bottles that are off-limits to me. In other words, I also have to gather information, figure out what works and doesn’t, and adjust accordingly.

A cactus may look mean with all those needles sticking out, but those prickly spines serve an important purpose: protection. They keep herbivores at bay, they help prevent water loss, and they can even help facilitate photosynthesis. They allow the cactus to survive in the environment in which it lives. Be a cactus. Maintain your boundaries. If someone pushes you in a way that feels dangerous, give them a little poke. It’s okay to be prickly when you need to.

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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.

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