Hi Sober Lady,
Proud paid subscriber here — thanks for all your work, and congrats on your 1,000th subscriber! I finally got the courage to write in with my question.
I come from a family of addicts, including having my own addiction issues, and after burying several friends over the past few years, I’ve (fairly or unfairly) developed a bit of wariness about newly sober people. Recently, my best friend began a relationship with someone newly recovering from an alcohol addiction (a self-described “booze hound”). He is now in treatment, but he has a history of severe relapses, and from what I know of him, it seems like he has replaced alcohol use with a certain obsessiveness in his dating life. My friend has never dated anyone with an addiction, and due to her naivety/lack of experience with this, she can be harsh with people who relapse.
I feel like this is a recipe for disaster; I keep saying that she needs to prepare for how she will act if and when he relapses, but she keeps replying, “Well, what if he never relapses again?” Am I being oversensitive because of my history? Is there anything I can say or do to help my friend be prepared for what comes with alcohol addiction? Should I just mind my business?
Sincerely,
Friend Without the Benefit of the Doubt
Hi Friend,
Thank you for subscribing and sending a question! I’m so sorry about the losses you’ve experienced over the last few years. It’s a devastating thing to go through even once, much less several times in just a few years.
Like anything else, our experiences with substance use—and especially addiction—shape our attitudes and expectations about others’ substance use and addictions. So your wariness and desire to protect your friend is completely understandable. This protective desire especially founded considering this guy is newly sober and has a history of relapse. Both of those realities can make future relapse more likely.
But your friend is also right; that’s far from a certainty. Plenty of people have a history of relapse and then maintain long-term sobriety. Instead of focusing on relapse as an inevitability, I might ask your friend if she’s talked to BH about his past relapses, what triggered them, and most importantly, what—if anything—he is doing differently this time. Has he been in treatment before? Is this a new treatment or something he tried before? Do they talk about ways she can support his recovery? Or concerns that she has (if she has any)?
These are important, ongoing conversations for anyone committed to dating in early recovery. It sucks that she, as you say, “can be harsh with people who relapse” because this conversation—if she hasn’t had it—will likely go down better if it’s approached in a compassionate, non-judgmental way. But I think it’s a worthwhile conversation for her to have regardless. I don’t believe people who start relationships in early sobriety are inherently doomed to relapse (or relationship failure), but the best way to avoid those outcomes is to have open and honest conversations about the person’s addiction and recovery and how those affect the other partner.
When talking to your friend about your concerns, don’t refute the possibility that BH may not relapse. Maybe he won’t! But inherent in the response “maybe he won’t” is an acknowledgment of another possibility—maybe he will. By agreeing with her that it’s entirely possible that he won’t relapse, she may be more open to discussing a hypothetical situation in which he does.
But instead of focusing on what if he relapses, I’d start with the questions about how much the two of them have talked about his history of drinking and relapse and if what he’s doing now is any different than what he did before. I’d also be curious if, in the past, he’s jumped into relationships in early recovery. You say he seems obsessive about his dating life—does she know if that is also part of a post-relapse pattern?
If she doesn’t know much, I’d encourage her to try to find out more. Not because you (or she) will necessarily find out something terrible; in the best-case scenario, this opens up a dialogue between them about his triggers around alcohol, treatment, and how she can help support his recovery. It’s possible that she just hasn’t felt comfortable asking about those details, and he—newly sober and raw—doesn’t feel like offering them. Ideally, the conversation results in her being more compassionate about what it’s like to struggle with addiction and him feeling like he can be open with her about his ups and downs.
But it’s also possible that the discussion will result in her seeing more validity in your points. It may not change the course of their relationship, but it might make her consider some of those hypotheticals a little more seriously. It also might help you focus the concerns you have; instead of being worried about ‘replacement addictions’ and relapses, you might get a better sense of what her specific needs might be should the relationship go awry.
It sounds like you’re a good friend, and I don’t think you’re being hypersensitive to the situation; I share your concerns. But at the end of the day, no one wants to endlessly hear about the possibility of the worst-case scenario in their relationship. Ultimately, she is going to make her own decisions. If you can encourage her to engage with him a little more about his history and recovery, I think it could inform and empower all involved.
Send questions and feedback to askasoberlady@gmail.com. By sending a question, you agree to let me reprint it in the newsletter with your name redacted or changed. Emails may be edited for length or clarity.
I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
Great response! You covered several important points that were quite insightful. Great advice.