Coming up on 15 years sober, I still remember the abject shame that would grip me by the throat with the day’s first slap into consciousness. That shame was a throughline across 35 years of blackouts. A month before I finally did get sober I left my marriage; I just couldn’t bear the inevitable recaps my husband would provide on my lost behavior from the night before.
On the flip side, as hard as those first sober days were, one benefit rose brightly to the top: I remembered every move I made the night before. I could finally breathe. And I could start to rebuild
yes! it’s amazing how grateful you can be for the simple fact of remembering what you’ve done and said the night before after years of that not being the case.
Wow! Somehow I missed this book and look forward to reading it. I was blackout drinker from the FIRST drink at 14. Having grown up in a teetotaling household, I was baffled and spent years trying to figure out how to prevent myself from blacking out — only 2 drinks, maybe 3–haha after 1 or 2 I was gone and I couldn’t predict it. I started using white crosses (speed) to control my drinking and they kept me from blacking out. Other drugs too. I wrote a story about a woman who wakes up from a blackout on one of the planes on 9-11. People who don’t experience them really have a hard time comprehending blackouts. Thanks, Katie for the walk down memory lane.
I spent so much time trying to calculate the number of drinks it took to black out. I think I came up with between 4 and 5. I never stopped though. Until I did because of police trouble and then continued stopping with AA. That was a long time ago now, I haven't thought about it but I truly appreciate the reminder
The comedian Dave Atell calls blackouts "time travel." It's funny AF but doesn't quite capture the horror of it.
More accurately, blackouts are a form of psychological debt that can't quite be paid off. That is, no matter how many times you're told, nothing bad happened, you can never be fully at peace Since in a very material way, you weren't there
I only got through the beginning of your essay & the 1st audio clip to know that I want to see the movie before reading the rest, to avoid spoilers, which is exactly what I did before reading your essay about Flight. I know you recommend the audio book, but I already have a list of books to be read and/or listened to, so I think I'll go with the movie this time. I already found it on Prime. Back to the beginning of your essay and the 1st audio... it had me in tears. Apparently Hilda and I have much in common, but instead of having 2 daughters, I have 2 sons, and instead of passing out on the kitchen floor, you could find me passed out on a sofa. Wow, after almost 4 years of sobriety, those memories are still soul crushing. I'll come back to add to my comments after seeing the movie. Thank you Katie!
I watched the movie last night & loved it. It was difficult to watch, though, considering I was a blackout drinker and could relate to SO much of Hildy's life... her thoughts, her actions. It was interesting that Sigourney Weaver (as Hildy) would look into the camera during certain scenes and tell us her thoughts/back story. I saw that someone else in the comments didn't like this part, but I did. I was holding my breath many times while watching... when Hildy was hiding the drinks from her family... when she got behind the wheel after several drinks. Oof! Yep, I could relate. I cried a bunch, too. I found myself rooting for Hildy, wishing she could continue to enjoy her wine without the consequences. I wished that for myself, too. Didn't we all want that? Well, it took Hildy having a traumatic experience to finally quit, and it took me one last blackout (paired with passing out at a friend's house), combined with my sons having to carry me to the car, to finally make the decision to quit. It's terribly traumatic for me to not remember that incident, to imagine how it must have looked, how my sons and the others felt, but it was the "moment of desperation" that I needed. Thank you so much for this essay & for the recommendation!!!
Oh I’m so glad you loved it! I felt the same way listening to the book—-I’ve heard it SO many times, and yet I still have such an emotional reaction to those blackout realization scenes
I read this book when it came out in 2013 or so. I remember not particularly liking it, but when I read your piece here, I couldn't remember why. This week I picked it up again, only this time I listened to the audiobook. When this book came out, I was drinking. I have now been sober for 955 days. I quickly realized why I didn't remember liking the book when it came out - I probably felt attacked. This was not only a beautifully narrated audiobook (though I am a sucker for the movie version of a book, so I'll watch it - mostly so I can complain about how the book was better) it was also one of the hardest things I've read in a very long time. I felt discomfort throughout the book, like I wanted to hide my eyes (and ears) from what I thought was coming next. It made me physically feel her hangovers - to remember the pain, the anxiety, the shame of all of it. I thought I would have a hard time continuing once it was clear how much she was drinking, but mostly it just made me inordinately happy that I have found another way to live. Thanks for the suggestion - and your thoughts on Leary's writing.
Oh man, you have no idea how happy this makes me!! Thank you so much for telling me! Also, if you do watch the movie, I’m dying to know what you think.
Ok, update: I just watched the movie and…meh. It mostly followed the book, with a few weird changes that didn’t make sense to me. But it wasn’t Mary Beth Hurt, and while it was not terrible, Sarandon was also not terribly convincing. AND she did this weird 3rd wall thing where she kept turning to talk to the audience. Like, that’s how you get the backstory. So. I think you’ve made the right decision to only read the book!
I will say that there’s a scene at the end of the movie where Hildy is in a meeting and someone else in the meeting says probably the most poignant thing in the whole movie when he basically says, “you have to grieve who you used to be”.
I know I read this book, but I can’t remember if it was before or after I got sober. You have inspired me to listen to the audiobook. Putting on my TBR right now!
Unsurprisingly, I am in total agreement with your review!
I read this book in my first year or two of sobriety. To use a high priced word, the reading echoed with verisimilitude. Although I have enjoyed several well written memoirs, putting the experiences into characters and observing their internal dialog was astonishing. And brutally/beautifully realistic.
Of course, I found out why: Ms. Leary writes what she knows.
Coming up on 15 years sober, I still remember the abject shame that would grip me by the throat with the day’s first slap into consciousness. That shame was a throughline across 35 years of blackouts. A month before I finally did get sober I left my marriage; I just couldn’t bear the inevitable recaps my husband would provide on my lost behavior from the night before.
On the flip side, as hard as those first sober days were, one benefit rose brightly to the top: I remembered every move I made the night before. I could finally breathe. And I could start to rebuild
yes! it’s amazing how grateful you can be for the simple fact of remembering what you’ve done and said the night before after years of that not being the case.
Very well said!
Wow! Somehow I missed this book and look forward to reading it. I was blackout drinker from the FIRST drink at 14. Having grown up in a teetotaling household, I was baffled and spent years trying to figure out how to prevent myself from blacking out — only 2 drinks, maybe 3–haha after 1 or 2 I was gone and I couldn’t predict it. I started using white crosses (speed) to control my drinking and they kept me from blacking out. Other drugs too. I wrote a story about a woman who wakes up from a blackout on one of the planes on 9-11. People who don’t experience them really have a hard time comprehending blackouts. Thanks, Katie for the walk down memory lane.
I spent so much time trying to calculate the number of drinks it took to black out. I think I came up with between 4 and 5. I never stopped though. Until I did because of police trouble and then continued stopping with AA. That was a long time ago now, I haven't thought about it but I truly appreciate the reminder
🙌🏼🫶
A great tag line would be “she doesn’t remember, but we’ll never forget”
The hardest question for me to answer was, “Why were you crying last night?” I had no memory and therefore no answer.
Have you done Withnail and I for the series?
No! I don’t even know what that is, but if you’re recommending it, I’ll put it very high on my list!
It’s a classic British black comedy starring a young Richard E. Grant. Great stuff.
The comedian Dave Atell calls blackouts "time travel." It's funny AF but doesn't quite capture the horror of it.
More accurately, blackouts are a form of psychological debt that can't quite be paid off. That is, no matter how many times you're told, nothing bad happened, you can never be fully at peace Since in a very material way, you weren't there
YES exactly
You are absolutely right! Blackout drinking was horrifying. One of the biggest incentives to nevder drink again.
I only got through the beginning of your essay & the 1st audio clip to know that I want to see the movie before reading the rest, to avoid spoilers, which is exactly what I did before reading your essay about Flight. I know you recommend the audio book, but I already have a list of books to be read and/or listened to, so I think I'll go with the movie this time. I already found it on Prime. Back to the beginning of your essay and the 1st audio... it had me in tears. Apparently Hilda and I have much in common, but instead of having 2 daughters, I have 2 sons, and instead of passing out on the kitchen floor, you could find me passed out on a sofa. Wow, after almost 4 years of sobriety, those memories are still soul crushing. I'll come back to add to my comments after seeing the movie. Thank you Katie!
Ooh can’t wait to hear your thoughts!
I watched the movie last night & loved it. It was difficult to watch, though, considering I was a blackout drinker and could relate to SO much of Hildy's life... her thoughts, her actions. It was interesting that Sigourney Weaver (as Hildy) would look into the camera during certain scenes and tell us her thoughts/back story. I saw that someone else in the comments didn't like this part, but I did. I was holding my breath many times while watching... when Hildy was hiding the drinks from her family... when she got behind the wheel after several drinks. Oof! Yep, I could relate. I cried a bunch, too. I found myself rooting for Hildy, wishing she could continue to enjoy her wine without the consequences. I wished that for myself, too. Didn't we all want that? Well, it took Hildy having a traumatic experience to finally quit, and it took me one last blackout (paired with passing out at a friend's house), combined with my sons having to carry me to the car, to finally make the decision to quit. It's terribly traumatic for me to not remember that incident, to imagine how it must have looked, how my sons and the others felt, but it was the "moment of desperation" that I needed. Thank you so much for this essay & for the recommendation!!!
Oh I’m so glad you loved it! I felt the same way listening to the book—-I’ve heard it SO many times, and yet I still have such an emotional reaction to those blackout realization scenes
I read this book when it came out in 2013 or so. I remember not particularly liking it, but when I read your piece here, I couldn't remember why. This week I picked it up again, only this time I listened to the audiobook. When this book came out, I was drinking. I have now been sober for 955 days. I quickly realized why I didn't remember liking the book when it came out - I probably felt attacked. This was not only a beautifully narrated audiobook (though I am a sucker for the movie version of a book, so I'll watch it - mostly so I can complain about how the book was better) it was also one of the hardest things I've read in a very long time. I felt discomfort throughout the book, like I wanted to hide my eyes (and ears) from what I thought was coming next. It made me physically feel her hangovers - to remember the pain, the anxiety, the shame of all of it. I thought I would have a hard time continuing once it was clear how much she was drinking, but mostly it just made me inordinately happy that I have found another way to live. Thanks for the suggestion - and your thoughts on Leary's writing.
Oh man, you have no idea how happy this makes me!! Thank you so much for telling me! Also, if you do watch the movie, I’m dying to know what you think.
Ok, update: I just watched the movie and…meh. It mostly followed the book, with a few weird changes that didn’t make sense to me. But it wasn’t Mary Beth Hurt, and while it was not terrible, Sarandon was also not terribly convincing. AND she did this weird 3rd wall thing where she kept turning to talk to the audience. Like, that’s how you get the backstory. So. I think you’ve made the right decision to only read the book!
Omg thank you so much for telling me! I was starting to wonder if I should try the movie but it doesn’t sound like I would be able to stand it!
I will say that there’s a scene at the end of the movie where Hildy is in a meeting and someone else in the meeting says probably the most poignant thing in the whole movie when he basically says, “you have to grieve who you used to be”.
I know I read this book, but I can’t remember if it was before or after I got sober. You have inspired me to listen to the audiobook. Putting on my TBR right now!
yay yay yay!!! please let me know what you think!
I'd never heard of this book until you posted here, but now I'm reading and really enjoying it. Thanks!
Ahhhh that makes me so happy!!!
Love this book & movie. And Ann Leary (and Denis Leary, too!).
Unsurprisingly, I am in total agreement with your review!
I read this book in my first year or two of sobriety. To use a high priced word, the reading echoed with verisimilitude. Although I have enjoyed several well written memoirs, putting the experiences into characters and observing their internal dialog was astonishing. And brutally/beautifully realistic.
Of course, I found out why: Ms. Leary writes what she knows.