My sister-in-law, decades sober and an intake clinician at a rehab facility, 'picked up' when given a terminal diagnosis. She enjoyed her margarita or two in the last weeks of her life, as she enjoyed too much chocolate cake, visits with long-distant friends, and more. "One day at a time," for her, was just that. Each day brought a new opportunity to live as she felt best. She didn't think she had lost her decades of sobriety. They had happened and had made the clear-headed decisions she made at the end possible.
I love this post. It's so important to remember that we're human. That we should have agency, always.
I recently watched an old episode of Nurse Jackie. John Cullum plays a dying man in the ER. He's queer and sober and refuses opiates (morphine) because he didn't want to give up his sobriety. The nurses give him morphine any way, out of a sense of responsibility to ease his suffering. It's administered with love and respect, and when the character realizes he's ben given the drugs he's grateful, not upset. It was beautiful, but it was a violation of his wishes. I had trouble with that, but was comforted, too. Because the other side of personal agency is not seeing what might be best for us in any given moment. There are helpers out there.
"if you get nothing else from this newsletter, I hope it’s that what’s right for me could be totally wrong for someone else and vice versa."
I take everything one day at a time these days. It's the way I live a happy, grace-filled life. I never imagined I could do it. Thanks for this piece. Brilliant. xo
This is very close to the bone for me with two cancer diagnosis and struggling to stay AF. Interesting topic a little to raw for me to share more. But thanks for this especially you sharing why you stay sober.
I would have gladly given him the whiskey. I've sat with my dying brother and a few friends, it is a profound and life changing experience. If you've made it to death's door, you can have whatever you want before you cross the threshold.
I think his many “imperfections” are what made him perfect for the job of delivering AA in the way that he did, and why it’s still going today.
I’ve explored so many different spiritual traditions and the one thing that seems to derail so many different groups is the guru, who claims perfection but then does imperfect stuff.
And as far as him wanting whiskey on his deathbed, how can I fault him for that when I’ve not turned down IV painkillers at times I’ve been in the hospital for *non-terminal* situations? And I was an opiate addict!
Wow, I hadn’t ever heard this! But I definitely understand that desire - my mother, a dedicated smoker who quit around the age of 40, always said she’d want a cigarette if she knew she was dying. Unfortunately, COPD made that much less desirable at the end. But it’s just a sign of how much she LOVED her substance before it went south on her. if I only had a little time left, I’d want a cigarette, a gin and tonic, and two pints of coffee toffee ice cream! Not all at once, maybe ;-)
This is a great and human viewpoint. If I got a terminal diagnosis I wouldn’t start drinking immediately because I don’t drink so I can have a life. I would want to enjoy those last moments as much as I could and squeeze the living out of them. But if my life becomes a few days and a bed, if I am already delirious from pain and the knowledge of my impending death: I’d probably ask for a drink. I’d probably ask for some black tar heroin and that wouldn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
Bill Wilson took LSD throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s. He and writer Aldous Huxley took many acid trips together. Bill still desired an altered state of consciousness….even without booze. And he believed that LSD could help alcoholics eliminate their craving for booze and find enlightenment at the same time.
On his deathbed…..they should have given Bill a shot of whiskey!
What she said. I'm happier sober than not, and I agree, they should have given that drink to Bill as he lay on his deathbed. No one gets to make that decision for me, or him. For the first few years of my sobriety, I maintained that when I was 85 or so, I could go back to drinking and drugging because why not? Who would care. Somewhere down the line I realized I was, for all intents and purposes, planning my next drink and that is not the ideal way to stay sober. I let that fantasy go. Can I say I'm not curious about some of the newer drugs, legalized pot which is very different than the pot I smoked (and hated) in the 70s, that I don't feel the lure of gummies which seem so harmless? I cannot because I like being high. Unfortunately, I like it so much it destroys my life, but like you, if I ask for a drink or a gummie or something stronger when I'm there at the end? I will rally enough to toss you out of the room if you deny me because the choice is always mine, not yours.
i love your mind Katie and this post (sorry for taking so long to find my way) was great. ty. ty for not being so dogmatic as to see the reality of life, human's messiness, and the complexity of sobriety.
My sister-in-law, decades sober and an intake clinician at a rehab facility, 'picked up' when given a terminal diagnosis. She enjoyed her margarita or two in the last weeks of her life, as she enjoyed too much chocolate cake, visits with long-distant friends, and more. "One day at a time," for her, was just that. Each day brought a new opportunity to live as she felt best. She didn't think she had lost her decades of sobriety. They had happened and had made the clear-headed decisions she made at the end possible.
I love this
I love this post. It's so important to remember that we're human. That we should have agency, always.
I recently watched an old episode of Nurse Jackie. John Cullum plays a dying man in the ER. He's queer and sober and refuses opiates (morphine) because he didn't want to give up his sobriety. The nurses give him morphine any way, out of a sense of responsibility to ease his suffering. It's administered with love and respect, and when the character realizes he's ben given the drugs he's grateful, not upset. It was beautiful, but it was a violation of his wishes. I had trouble with that, but was comforted, too. Because the other side of personal agency is not seeing what might be best for us in any given moment. There are helpers out there.
"if you get nothing else from this newsletter, I hope it’s that what’s right for me could be totally wrong for someone else and vice versa."
I take everything one day at a time these days. It's the way I live a happy, grace-filled life. I never imagined I could do it. Thanks for this piece. Brilliant. xo
thank you!
No, thank you! Okay, thanks to both of us! It's really great.
I could only skim your comment earlier and I just reread it. So beautifully said. Thank you for this. ❤️❤️
Thanks, Katie. Sent you a DM yesterday. Hope you'll take a look. xo
This is very close to the bone for me with two cancer diagnosis and struggling to stay AF. Interesting topic a little to raw for me to share more. But thanks for this especially you sharing why you stay sober.
Im so sorry to hear about the diagnoses. Sending you love.
Thank you I appreciate that and accept all the love!
This: “I stay sober because if I don’t, my whole life falls apart.” hit today. Thanks for the article.
I would have gladly given him the whiskey. I've sat with my dying brother and a few friends, it is a profound and life changing experience. If you've made it to death's door, you can have whatever you want before you cross the threshold.
I think his many “imperfections” are what made him perfect for the job of delivering AA in the way that he did, and why it’s still going today.
I’ve explored so many different spiritual traditions and the one thing that seems to derail so many different groups is the guru, who claims perfection but then does imperfect stuff.
And as far as him wanting whiskey on his deathbed, how can I fault him for that when I’ve not turned down IV painkillers at times I’ve been in the hospital for *non-terminal* situations? And I was an opiate addict!
Wow, I hadn’t ever heard this! But I definitely understand that desire - my mother, a dedicated smoker who quit around the age of 40, always said she’d want a cigarette if she knew she was dying. Unfortunately, COPD made that much less desirable at the end. But it’s just a sign of how much she LOVED her substance before it went south on her. if I only had a little time left, I’d want a cigarette, a gin and tonic, and two pints of coffee toffee ice cream! Not all at once, maybe ;-)
And really, I would not do that. I do much prefer to be sober and smoke free. But I defend to my death the right to choose!
This is a great and human viewpoint. If I got a terminal diagnosis I wouldn’t start drinking immediately because I don’t drink so I can have a life. I would want to enjoy those last moments as much as I could and squeeze the living out of them. But if my life becomes a few days and a bed, if I am already delirious from pain and the knowledge of my impending death: I’d probably ask for a drink. I’d probably ask for some black tar heroin and that wouldn’t seem like an unreasonable request.
Bill Wilson took LSD throughout the 1950’s and 1960’s. He and writer Aldous Huxley took many acid trips together. Bill still desired an altered state of consciousness….even without booze. And he believed that LSD could help alcoholics eliminate their craving for booze and find enlightenment at the same time.
On his deathbed…..they should have given Bill a shot of whiskey!
I absolutely agree with you....but I hope I don't want to drink when/if that time comes. The thought of it does make me sad
What she said. I'm happier sober than not, and I agree, they should have given that drink to Bill as he lay on his deathbed. No one gets to make that decision for me, or him. For the first few years of my sobriety, I maintained that when I was 85 or so, I could go back to drinking and drugging because why not? Who would care. Somewhere down the line I realized I was, for all intents and purposes, planning my next drink and that is not the ideal way to stay sober. I let that fantasy go. Can I say I'm not curious about some of the newer drugs, legalized pot which is very different than the pot I smoked (and hated) in the 70s, that I don't feel the lure of gummies which seem so harmless? I cannot because I like being high. Unfortunately, I like it so much it destroys my life, but like you, if I ask for a drink or a gummie or something stronger when I'm there at the end? I will rally enough to toss you out of the room if you deny me because the choice is always mine, not yours.
I agree completely. While you have something to live for and life yet to live, it makes sense to optimize it by staying sober. But on your deathbed …
Thank you for this brave exploration. I'm thinking a whiskey-infused lollipop might do the trick in those last hours for me.
There are whiskey infused lollipops?! 🤣
You'll get no hassle from me for those thoughts. I'm glad you're still here and still sober right now, though. ♥️
I totally agree!
i love your mind Katie and this post (sorry for taking so long to find my way) was great. ty. ty for not being so dogmatic as to see the reality of life, human's messiness, and the complexity of sobriety.
Thank you!!