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Hi Sober Lady,
When I had sons with a husband who comes from a long line of addiction, I knew to keep an eye on my boys as they went through their late teens and early 20s. For several years, I’ve noticed that my eldest son, let’s call him Joe, shows many signs of alcohol abuse: he drinks too hard at events, gets hostile with those who call him out on being drunk, and can even be quite insistent with women. He’s planning on marrying his new fiancée, “Anna,” this year, but I have told her that I think she should consider conducting an intervention first. She’s worried it might piss him off and affect the wedding. Is there a right time to approach an intervention like this?
Best,
Smother-in-law
Hi SIL,
Thank you for the email; this sounds like a very tricky situation. I have several questions: Does Anna agree that Joe’s drinking is an issue? Does she think an intervention is needed? I can imagine her response coming from a few different places: One option is that she doesn’t think he needs an intervention, or at least doesn’t think it’s an immediate issue, so she’s using the wedding as an excuse to kick the can down the road without telling her future mother-in-law she’s overreacting.
Another, far more disturbing possibility, is that her remark about “pissing him off” is putting it mildly. You say he can get “hostile” when confronted about his drinking and — this is the biggest red flag for me — “can even be quite insistent with women.” I don’t know what that looks like, but at best, it sounds like drinking brings out his aggressive tendencies. When you combine that with the hostility about his drinking, it sets off alarm bells.
You suggested that Anna “should consider conducting an intervention first,” but why is the onus on her? Have you spoken to him about his drinking? You have known him much longer than she has. Have you talked about Joe’s drinking with his other family and friends? If she's worried about Joe’s response to an intervention, there’s no reason she has to be the person who orchestrates it.
An intervention is also not your only option. I’ve mentioned before that when I was drinking, the fastest way to get me to shut down was to suggest that my obvious and excessive drinking was an issue that I needed to address. If you’ve recently witnessed your son acting in a hostile or inappropriate manner, I would sit him down and focus on the behavior, rather than the drinking.
Don’t approach it from a place of condemnation; instead, express your concern about his mental and emotional state. Is he going through a particularly stressful time? Is wedding planning taking a toll? It doesn’t matter if you know that these aren’t the core issues; the purpose of this conversation is to bring his attention to his concerning behavior without having his defenses shoot up and cut off lines of communication.
That may happen anyway, but if it doesn’t, a good first step would be to suggest that he see a therapist or someone else who can help him work through his feelings. It may sound like I’m suggesting codependence—avoiding the issue for his comfort—but very often people are more willing to talk about their stress and the challenges that others may be foisting on them rather than their own drinking behavior. Perhaps you could even suggest that therapy is something every person should do before getting married.
A good therapist will sniff out the alcohol stuff pretty quickly. He may or may not confide in them or admit the extent of his drinking, but at least the therapist can raise the issue without him blaming you or shutting you out of his life. If he quits therapy because he doesn’t want to get into the drinking stuff, you can move on to the next step. (If he shuts down the idea of therapy right away, let it go for the duration of the conversation and regroup for the next step.)
I’d wait to initiate the next conversation until you witness an incident in which Joe behaves aggressively or inappropriately. This may be before or after the wedding, but I don’t think you should try to shoehorn it in before the wedding just to get it done. It may seem like an issue that needs to be addressed before they marry, but that’s something for Anna to decide. If she wants to join you for the conversation, great, but if not, that’s her right. Either way, I think it’s best to wait for something concrete to point to as an example of what worries you about his drinking.
Joe may ultimately agree with you that something needs to change, or he may not. Anna may decide she’s okay with his drinking, or she may not. All you can do is lay the groundwork and then step away and take care of yourself.
I highly recommend going to a support group for loved ones of people with substance use disorders (you can find a list of 12-step and non-12-step options by scrolling to the bottom of this page). If Anna shares your concerns about Joe’s drinking, it would probably be helpful for her to go as well (either with you or on her own). If not, though, don’t push it. Anyone with a substance use disorder has to come to that realization for themselves before they approach treatment or support with any urgency or commitment. The same is true for their loved ones.
What you can do is lead by example. You don’t have to tell Joe that you’re going to support groups (in fact, I wouldn’t—at least initially), but if Anna brings up Joe’s drinking on her own, you can confidentially clue her in. It may or may not interest her, but you’ll have planted a seed that might sprout in the back of her mind, quietly growing until it’s ready to harvest.
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I’m not a doctor or mental health professional, so my advice shouldn’t be construed as medical or therapeutic. You are free to take or leave it.
Tough situation, sound advice.
Something I heard today might interest you. It's on the concept of fixing others:
if you want this thing (clean and sober) there is hardly any way to do this wrong, but if you don’t want it there is hardly anyway to do it right …